A little something to Ponder on those cold winter nights

I can honestly say that the last hour of work was one of the most enjoyable of my life. My equally sick in the head sista and I have compiled a list of questions for you to ponder, answer, or simply marvel at how two such sick and highly paid government workers can spend their time on a quiet afternoon...please keep in mind that we BOTH answered each of these questions.

If we ever get fired for doing this, will each of you put in a dollar to help pay our bills???


1) If you had to pick 5 celebrities (can be any type of celebrity) that you want to have sexual relations with..who would they be and in what order?

2) Who would you rather have Sex with?
Jack Black or Kevin Smith
Prince or Billy Bob Thorton
Chris Kattan or Jason Alexander
Kid Rock or Tommy Lee
Kramer or that big tall guy from Everyone loves Raymond

3) Would you rather?

-- get dunked in a septic tank or eat a chocolate bar dipped in poo?
-- have sex with Tim Spicer (for those of you that don't know him..he is J-Dubs cousin that looks like Mr Burns) or have a lesbian scene in a porno movie
--squat on the front counter of the SCC and when soembody comes in…fart in their face..or get strapped to the front of my car naked and drive around town

4) Would you rather?

--have a guy shoot in your mouth or eat out a girl
--Fly in an airplane 12 hrs with a 2 year old kid or spend 1 weeks alone in a cabin in the woods
--Eat a cockroach OR eat poo

5) Would you rather ?

-- walk around with white pants and a ragg stain or walk around with your nipples hangin out the top of your shirt
-- show a new boyfriend a giant poop you had in the toilet or pussy fart in his face while eating you out?
--get doug to wipe your bum for you after a diarrhea or have sex with paul innes?

6) Where would you rather live ?

-- In an Igloo in Siberia or In a Hut in the middle of war torn Africa
--An indian Reserve in Sydney or Digby Neck
--A Ghetto in NYC or Somewhere in the Middle East
--With a Community of those religions freaks that wear the head things and long dresses (can't remember their names) OR a bunch of Jackie Tars in NFLD

7) Would you Rather?

-- take a dump in your garbage can in your cubicle…a farty diarrhea dump…or change your tampon whle standing on your desk
--ask the lady at the sushi area of the SS if they could carve you a cucumber into a suitable dildo or prentend to have a voilenet orgasm the next time you get a pap test
--tell people at work that you have herpes of the genitalia or work out at the gym wearing one of those thong suits..

8) Where would you rather have sex?

--In the bathroom at work or in the bathroom at a sporting event
--In a porta potty or in a stinkly slaughter house
--In your parents Closet while they are in bed in front of one of your friends

9) Would you Rather?

-- wear an adult diaper and shit your pants (audibly…) in a restaurant on a date OR ask your dad to shave your bush and be deadly serious about it.
--.eat your own puke or smear somebody elses on your body like you are lathering yourself up for a porn movie
-- watch really really really raunchy porno with your parents…or walk in on them riding doggy style and watch for 2 minutes

10) Who would you rather have give you a pap test?

--Your dad or that creepy guy who collects cans around town
--Your little brother or Bax Noel
-- a stranger or an X BF that you hate

Cheers to the sickos!!!!
J and T

Golden Globes....mostly a disappointment

Here are some of my thoughts on last night's GG's:

Favorite Dresses: Selma Hayek's, Felicity Huffman's, Drew Barrymore's
Best Speech: Merryl Streep
Runner up for Best Speech: Sacha Barron Cohen

- Forest Whitaker looked scared shitless when he got his award
- America Ferrera....her speech was awesome and had everyone crying...for the first 45 seconds...then it got super annoying as I was begging her to shut up. Then it was followed up by the akward moment when she went and stood by the entertainment interviewer girl and you were nver quite sure if she SHOUDL have stopped there or not...what was that about?
- As disappointed as I was to see Ugly Betty win for best TV Comedy...I did like seeing how excited and pumped the whole cast was....that was nice.
-GA definitely deserved to win best TV Drama....hands down
- Alec Baldwin is friggin funny...but my heart broke a little when Steve Carell lost out for Best Actor in TV Comedy/Musical.
- Prince is weird.

Top Piss-off's of the night:
- I'm not doubting that Bable is good...but who actually saw it?
- HOW did Jeremy Irons beat out Jeremy Piven for best supporting actor in Series or Movie Made for TV???? Have these people even SEEN Entourage??? WTF?!
- How did Ugly Betty (which again, I'm not saying is NOT good...but in comparrison...) beat out both The Office, AND Entourage for best TV Comedy...that's just insanity.
- Dreamgirls.....what's so great about that movie?? I will see it....however, I can tell you right now that it is not better than Little Miss Sunshine or Borat...the two movies that should have won for Best Musical or Comedy Movie.
- Happy Feet and it's music looks dumb to me


And that's all I have to say about that.

Counting down......

Well its dark at 430 when I get home from work, so that can only mean 1 thing.....the holidaze are coming! There are a number of things that we all look forward to during the holiday season, whether it be eating, drinking or being merry, the list is long and lovely. Here are a few of the things I look forward to each year, and for good measure and because every list needs a ying AND a yang, a few things I don't.

--Not working - nuff said
--Sleeping in - even though my capacity for sleeping in has been reduced
from 10am to 8am, a sleep in, is a sleep in nonetheless
-- Munchies and snacks a pleanty; including party packs, fudge, chips and
as many types of dip you can name.
--PRESENTS:!!! giving AND receiving is NOT lost on this girl, I can unwrap
as fast as any 6 year old
--Turkey dinner - I love being the little shit that eats all the stuffing out of
the turkey before it hits the table....haha...suckas
-- Hangin with the fam - hoping for a food fight this year
--Seeing the kids open stuff, freak out and then play with the same old
crap that was there last year...
--The usual holiday party which includes lots of catching up, overdrinking
and usually ends with my head in the toilette bowl...funtimes, funtimes
--The 12 days of XMASS song by the Mackenzie Brothers. Basically if they
played that all day, everyday on CKBW that would be the best present
ever

OK now for a few things I am not looking forward to; a lot of this is part of the annoyance of being single during the holidays so bare with me....
--Last months break up has left me RETURNING xmass presents before
the holidays. A constant reminder of the breakup, and lets face it -
FUCKING annoying.
--NO date for new years AGAIN....soon I am going to start kissing furniture
or stuffed animals
--overeating - sabotage of the 7 pounds I lost so far.
--Snow, and probably a storm. Have I mentioned that I hate snow...
(see last years story about getting stuck)
--Sitting in uneven numbers around the table cause. I am the odd number
by the way.

So there ya go, a few good and a few bad. A pretty balanced list I think. Now If I could just hear the beer song, it would all be good!!!! A BEER IN A TREE

Peace and holiday luv
J

The bitter rantings of the recently dumped!

For all of you who have ever experienced that moment where your desire to maintain composure and your need to vent collide in a Harry Potteresque moment. This never to be mailed letter is for you.....and for the fucking losers who hurt you.

Dear emotionally stunted, grammatically challenged, brokeass loser

You know I was really trying to put this "relationship" if you can even call it that, behind me with a little class and dignity, which is more then I can say for you, but fuck it. I have never in my life encountered such a selfish self centered, immature, bastard. I am SOOOO fucking glad that you decided that a smart, sensitive, loyal, giving, sweet, pretty and intelligent girl was not the one for you because it made me realise what a loser I was willing to share all of that with. It would never ever in a million years worked (which people told me in the beginning) because to be completely honest, we are not even close to being in the same league. So I can thank you for that one. Thanks be to GOD that I don't have to waste anymore time, energy OR MONEY on your grammatically incorrect, verbally challenged, dictionary needing ass. And if you don't know the meaning of any of those words…GO FUCKING LOOK THEM UP!

I heard about your little show that you put on Saturday night while you were Djing, and I REALLY hope that you feel proud of yourself. Personally, I am a little embarrassed for you! PDA is one thing, but making out while you are working, is just unprofessional and to be frank…kinda dirty.

Now you might think that all of this ranting comes from a place of jealousy or perhaps that I am not over you. Don't kid, OR flatter yourself my friend. Over you is in my rear-view mirror and pitying you is passing on the right. I regret the fact that one of your own friends warned me about you in the beginning, and I didn't listen. NOW them (note the grammer) are some smart people, and obviously know you better then I ever would, or care to for that matter.

I hope you have a great life.. Riding your 4 wheelers, burning your tires, and making up stupid sounds and words….LEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No loner the bank of Canada

Sexy lips, is sexy in many many ways

As our lives tend to do from time to time, I have recently hit a little pothole. Yes as most of you know, a little relationshippy that I just had, has ended. Among other things, it causes a person to have a bit more time for thinkin'. Pondering (aka obsessing) why it happened, why it didn't, and basically searching for an answer that will never materialise.

In an effort to be a little proactive in the whole "get the fuck over it" thing, I have, predictably been doing lots of reading, and trying to find meaning in things I watch on TV. So, yesterday I happen to catch Oprah...LOL who am I kidding, it was no accident, it's a daily fixture, but whatever that is another issue altogether. This show was perticularly interesting because of its super cool guest. MR sexy lips himself, John Mayer. Now I have heard John Mayer speak before, heard all his genious lyrics, and on occasion commented on what an articulate, deep thinker the dude is. On this occasion, he was particularly ON. His outlook on life is insightful, interesting and gives a person cause to think.

To make a long story short, I went on HIS blog to give it a quick read, and the following post Hit me right between the eyeballs. Yes I realise that this is stealing. BUT Johnny M, please forgive me:-)) I loved you message and want to share it, I feel like you will understand…SO have a read, take a moment, print this story and keep in in your purse…whatever.

"CHANGEI've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?(Working on it...)


Peace OUT

KFC war

** Names have been changed, although not necessarily to protect the innocent

Ok...so as most people know, I live behind a KFC, in fact, my bedroom overlooks their parking lot. From my perch I see a lot of things go on.....things that made me come to the decision that not only will I never EVER eat there, but neither will any of my friends or family. The workers on their breaks coming out smoking their cigarettes, coughing up all kinds of colourful shit and spitting them out on the ground, the delivery whore who goes around with her delivery boyfriend all night, with her little girl in the back seat happily guzzling fountain pop from KFC, and don't even get me started on the bums that live in their dumpsters (although entertaining, not very good for increasing ones appetite).

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, this Tuesday night, my hatred towards the Quinpool KFC establishment and their sub-hygenic staff, came to a new level.

I was on my way to my Tuesday night golf lesson, and as I was walking to my car, I notice a piece of paper, with the following typed on it:
"Your Licence plate has been recorded down for our files.Please do not park your car here, this is for customer parking ONLY. If you Continue to leave your car here, we will have no choice but to have it towed at your expense.
thank you for understanding
KFC Management
**Steve McNuttless"

Now here's a little background, factual info for you all. Since I live behind a KFC, I sort of live in a parking lot...a parking lot that MY landlady owns 3 of the parking spots, and has a contract with the OWNER of the KFC in which she rents those 3 spots out the Grease-Fire-Waiting-to-Happen. But, since this year one of her tenants required the use of a parking spot, she had their contract amended so that they now rent out only 2 of the 3 spots, leaving one for Bug. To make things even better, I am actually parking in the spot that the OWNER of KFC suggested that I park in (the one furtherest away from KFC, and closer to my house).

So, back to the moment I discover this love letter from **Steve McNuttless, I am instantly filled with rage that my enemy has made a move to TOW MY CAR. I storm over to KFC, golf club in hand, and march right in front of the lost souls waiting to EAT the shit they fry up there, and go right up to some retard working the cash:
Amy: "I live in the house behind you, and I just found this note on my car saying that I'm not supposed to be parked there. Now I'd like to speak to a manager"
KFC retarded worker: blank stare "ok"

Now, enter Jennifer, the manager currently on duty.
Amy: "I live in the house behind you, and I found this note on my car saying that I am unable to park in the parking spot. I happen to pay for that parking spot, since my landlady rents 2 of her 3 parking spaces out to this place,and keeps one for me. So, if my car DOES get towed, someone here (and yes, i actually did the finger point to people behind the counter) is going to be held financially responsible."
Jennifer: "I don't know anything about this note, but my district manager (DM) just left and I'll call her and see if she is home. And Steve is our headoffice manager, he was here for like 5 minutes today."

Of course this DM is not home at them time...so Jennifer leaves a message with DM to call her, then Jennifer takes my name and number, and gives me HER name and number...which turns out to be worthless, because I noticed that Jennifer has no pull at her place of employment. I tell Jennifer, that I will be gone until after 8pm, and to have someone return my call after this time.

But no, KFC does not comprehend the concept of time. So I come home from golf saying that DM had called, and told my roommate that my car will be ok. Well DM, that is NOT sufficient enough for me. So, I call Jennifer back (becuase conveniently, DM's number on our phone comes up as 'unknown') and I tell Jennifer that someoen called BEFORE 8pm, and I want to speak to them, so she says she will call DM and tell her to call me back...I wait...and wait...and no call ever comes.

I get up the next morning to my roommate fearfully informing that that the "No Parking" sign I had posted over my parking spot was GONE. So...not only did **Mr. Steve McNuttless leave me a note, he STOLE MY NO PARKING SIGN. That, my friends, is stealing, and I believe, it is against the law. And I want to know...how does this headoffice manager, who is there for 5 minutes, know my car is there all the time....unless one of the workers told him and ratted me out!! And then, this Mr. Bigshot Headoffice Manager, doesn't even bother to look into WHY my car is parked there 7 days a week 24 hours a day??? Perhaps, talk to the OWNER of the store, or someone who doesn't throw out garbage and fucking deep fry crap for $7.50/hr!! Nope....he just gest busy writing notes and stealing signs.

So, you might be wondering "Amy, what do you want from all this??" I'll tell you what I want...I want to talk to **Mr. Steve McNuttless, and I want to yell at him, and tell him WHY I park there, and then when I feel statisfied with my bitchy, yet factual explaination, I want an appology...AND...I want a NEW no parking sign, not delivered to my door, no, I want it HUNG BACK UP where it was!!!

Of all the fast food places to put a note on my car....it couldn't have been nice, clean McDonalds nextdoor...no...it had to be my born enemy KFC....it was a deliberate act of war if you ask me.....and they are going to regret it.

So, this morning, I call **McNuttless...tell him who I am, where I live, and recap the note he left for me.
Steve: "We didn't know that was you, we thought it was someone from across the street who shouldn't be there anyway. I will call and notify the store that the green car is yours and is allowed to park there."
Amy: "There is also the matter of a No Parking sign that I had posted on the fence behind my car, which has been removed."
Steve: "Well, we can probably look into getting another one of those...but we have a lot of vandalism in this area...people going onto our roof and spray painting our signs (which I watched two punks do about two weeks ago!!!), spray paint the fence, so it very well could have been them. But I'll call the store and notify them, and feel free DEAR to go over and introduce yourself, we are neighbors! And then maybe we can avoid another embarassing situation."

Well Steve....I'm not embarrassed....and I did introduce myself, with my golf club in hand, in a minor fit of rage, so I'm PRETTY sure they'll remember me.

Now lets see how long before I get a new No Parking sign.

I've won this battle KFC.....but I doubt the war is over.

(Side note: As I'm typing this, there is a KFC worker out there with cigarette hanging out of his mouth, moving plastic boxes around, and throwing things in the garbage....and it looks like he did not shower today at all...or possibly even this week.)

Sexy Back...

Could Justin Timberlake be the new and improved answer to Micheal Jackson? With his catchy pop tunes and stellar dance moves...minus the kiddy rapes and whatnot....sounds like a win-win for everyone. Dropping the rest of those dead weight N'Sync-ers was a mondo smart career move for JT...and I don't think I even have to comment on image boost that came with replacing the blonde trailer trash for the blonde bombshell.

Update

Holy Crap its been a long time no post…eeek

Summer is a bit of a blur, and fall is not looking any slower. I have absolutely nothing to bitch about too, which is oddly alarming.

Wedding season is in full swing, holy mosses people get married a lot when you are 20-30 somethings. Wouldn't it be cool to attend something completely original, like a wedding on a clif, where the bride and groom REALLY do take a plunge aftewards. Now there is a water cooler story.

I really keep thinking that I am going to win Set for Life. Pipe dream? Maybe, but still the anticipation of scratching one of those little suckers is akin to waiting for the boyfriend to come over with a blizzard or something..

Yep you ready corretly, I used the word boyfriend…holy fuck is THAT a weird statement.

I am very addicted to Big Brother, 3 nights a week, and reading Zachy Braff's website. He makes me laugh in my head.

Today I am very tired, 6 hours sleep is not enough.

Fuck I hate the lady that sits beside me. HEY wait I found something to complain about…Pfewwwww!!!I was a little worried there for a sec.

peace

Dante and Randals return - 14 year later!

If you aren’t already a fan of comedic genius Kevin Smith perhaps this new film (the much anticipated sequel to Clerks) will inspire you to join the cool kids at the cool table!

My appreciation for Kevin is years in the making, as is my collection of his movies. Dick and fart jokes, bring em on! Adam Sandler you have Nuttin on the Kevinator!

Also soon to be released an Evening with Kevin Smith II. Shows from "Our Home and Native Land", sure to be action packed with satirical commentary, idiotic questions about Kevins dick size and hours upon hours of side splitting laughter.

Run! Don’t walk to theatres July 21, perhaps with blunt in hand

www.viewaskew.com

YEAH SUMMER!!!

Even though its been raining more in the last 2-3 months then it did when Noah built the ark, I still find myself foolishly hopeful that we will have a sunny and sweet summer.

Even though I know that with summer comes the unairconditioned HELL that IS my apartment. However I do look forward to the gasps, and surprises on peoples faces when they enter and realise that the air is 40 degrees hotter then it is outside. Oddly enough it has yet to help me sweat off any more pounds. Anyway this year my mom promises to get me an airconditioned, so we'll see.

New obsessions and things I look forward to this summer..its mostly TV, what is THAT all about??

Flip this House - I am strangly attracted to the 40 something southern BILLIONAIRE that owns Trademark Realty, he swears like a sailor in a sexy southern accent and flys a helicopter. Nuff said!

Big Brother All Stars - My god, can anything get any better then that. 3 times a week I will be glued, yes glued (even more then I am now) to crazy nutcases, drama, sex on live TV and Mortys spoilers

Season 3 of the best GODDAM show on TV - Entourage baby. If you have not had the pleasure, run don't walk, to your computer and download the first 2 seasons and then get on the bandwagon. Marky Mark is the producer….THERE now are ya hooked???? Thanks for that one Amy

An all new rock star, and Canadian Idol will share billing. I am embarassed about admitting to one, and not so sure about the other, so we'll see. Amy says that in person Ben is actually orange, I look forward to seeing that.

The soccer field - This I will reveal more about later, lets just say that I have no interest in SOCCER whatsoever…(insert evil laugh here)

A lake to swim in, a new house being built, a new niece or nephew, a few weddings, a visit from Lorrie hopefully, a diet (BOOOO), the beach, and to end it all off, a SWEET ass trip back to Beantown.

So here's to a sunny summer, some hotties, beer with less calories, and lots of FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seacrest OUT