The bitter rantings of the recently dumped!
For all of you who have ever experienced that moment where your desire to maintain composure and your need to vent collide in a Harry Potteresque moment. This never to be mailed letter is for you.....and for the fucking losers who hurt you.
Dear emotionally stunted, grammatically challenged, brokeass loser
You know I was really trying to put this "relationship" if you can even call it that, behind me with a little class and dignity, which is more then I can say for you, but fuck it. I have never in my life encountered such a selfish self centered, immature, bastard. I am SOOOO fucking glad that you decided that a smart, sensitive, loyal, giving, sweet, pretty and intelligent girl was not the one for you because it made me realise what a loser I was willing to share all of that with. It would never ever in a million years worked (which people told me in the beginning) because to be completely honest, we are not even close to being in the same league. So I can thank you for that one. Thanks be to GOD that I don't have to waste anymore time, energy OR MONEY on your grammatically incorrect, verbally challenged, dictionary needing ass. And if you don't know the meaning of any of those words…GO FUCKING LOOK THEM UP!
I heard about your little show that you put on Saturday night while you were Djing, and I REALLY hope that you feel proud of yourself. Personally, I am a little embarrassed for you! PDA is one thing, but making out while you are working, is just unprofessional and to be frank…kinda dirty.
Now you might think that all of this ranting comes from a place of jealousy or perhaps that I am not over you. Don't kid, OR flatter yourself my friend. Over you is in my rear-view mirror and pitying you is passing on the right. I regret the fact that one of your own friends warned me about you in the beginning, and I didn't listen. NOW them (note the grammer) are some smart people, and obviously know you better then I ever would, or care to for that matter.
I hope you have a great life.. Riding your 4 wheelers, burning your tires, and making up stupid sounds and words….LEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No loner the bank of Canada
posted by J-Dub @ 11:00 AM
1 Comments:
In light of the recent events surrounding your momentary lapse in judgement, I have updated the date application to reflect some of the things you may want to pay closer attention to next time. Mr. Freeloader should have been screened out on the 3rd, 4th and 5th questions (had you given him the application) but we cannot change the past, only learn from our mistakes.
Application for a date with ...(insert name here).
1. Name (please include any alias' and nicknames)
2. DOB (must be between the ages of 20 and 40)
3. Address - (*please note that if this matches the address of applicants' parents, proceed to appendix A)
** (please also note that if you reside in any place where you normally drive your 4 wheeler to your buddies house do not continue)
4. Occupation: (please attach resume and any relevant designations)
(a.) if you have LLB, MD, CGA beside please fast track to end of application.
(b) if you are unable to write/format a resume please do not continue, this means you are stupid.
5. Education:
(a)if no highschool diploma do not continue application
(b) I- if you have difficulty reading/comprehending this application please do not continue.
II – if you do not know how to use a dictionary and comprehend plain/correct english do not continue.
NOTE: LEM, ain’t, Oh yoss, them for they, didn’t I guts are not considered to be correct English or any language for that matter. Do not continue.
6. Assets/ Salary: please list yearly salary, any liquid or real assets.
NOTE: employment insurance is not considered salary nor is welfare, drug dealing, whoring and gambling.
7.Hobbie/Intereests : please provide a detailed listing of any hobbies or interests you may have. For example, sports, leisure, favourite hangouts.
8. Family: please list number of siblings, names, ages and birth order, parents marital status. If either parent has had affairs.
9. Past Relationships: please list any significant past relationships; names, dates, duration of relationship and sexual compatibility. Please note that if the same name appears in both question 7 and 8 this application is immediately null and void (and you should probably seek professional help).
10. Virgin: yes or no
11. Any current or present STD's
12. Any sexual preferences or perversions: please list likes and dislikes.
13. Please list:
A. favourite clothing store
B. favourite restaurant
C.favourite band
D. favourite movie
E. favourite drink
F.favourite food
G. Favourite TV show
14. What makes you laugh the hardest.
15. What type of underwear do you prefer.
*if you wear grape smuggler/ banana hammocks please be aware these are NOT a turn on.
16. What are you looking for in a partner, do you want children, do you want to be married?
Note: if you are looking for a loan, a free ride or a place to crash every night of the week. Do not continue. I am not a bank or a hotel.
17. Transportation: What type of car/truck/suv do you drive. Year,make and model.
• If your car stereo is worth more than your car, please do not continue.
Appendix A:
1.what is your reason for living with your parents
2. are you exceptionally close to your mother
3. does she do your laundry and clean your room
4. are you otherwise financially independent
5. do you have your own room, or do you live in the basement
Thank you for completing this application for a date with (your name here). If you do not receive a response, do not call, do not write and do not approach me on the street.
-Natasha -aka desperate housewife who still cant remember her stupid password!
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