Girls Don't Poop

A little something to Ponder on those cold winter nights

2007-02-01T14:25:00.000-04:00

I can honestly say that the last hour of work was one of the most enjoyable of my life. My equally sick in the head sista and I have compiled a list of questions for you to ponder, answer, or simply marvel at how two such sick and highly paid government workers can spend their time on a quiet afternoon...please keep in mind that we BOTH answered each of these questions.

If we ever get fired for doing this, will each of you put in a dollar to help pay our bills???

1) If you had to pick 5 celebrities (can be any type of celebrity) that you want to have sexual relations with..who would they be and in what order?

2) Who would you rather have Sex with?
Jack Black or Kevin Smith
Prince or Billy Bob Thorton
Chris Kattan or Jason Alexander
Kid Rock or Tommy Lee
Kramer or that big tall guy from Everyone loves Raymond

3) Would you rather?

-- get dunked in a septic tank or eat a chocolate bar dipped in poo?
-- have sex with Tim Spicer (for those of you that don't know him..he is J-Dubs cousin that looks like Mr Burns) or have a lesbian scene in a porno movie
--squat on the front counter of the SCC and when soembody comes in…fart in their face..or get strapped to the front of my car naked and drive around town

4) Would you rather?

--have a guy shoot in your mouth or eat out a girl
--Fly in an airplane 12 hrs with a 2 year old kid or spend 1 weeks alone in a cabin in the woods
--Eat a cockroach OR eat poo

5) Would you rather ?

-- walk around with white pants and a ragg stain or walk around with your nipples hangin out the top of your shirt
-- show a new boyfriend a giant poop you had in the toilet or pussy fart in his face while eating you out?
--get doug to wipe your bum for you after a diarrhea or have sex with paul innes?

6) Where would you rather live ?

-- In an Igloo in Siberia or In a Hut in the middle of war torn Africa
--An indian Reserve in Sydney or Digby Neck
--A Ghetto in NYC or Somewhere in the Middle East
--With a Community of those religions freaks that wear the head things and long dresses (can't remember their names) OR a bunch of Jackie Tars in NFLD

7) Would you Rather?

-- take a dump in your garbage can in your cubicle…a farty diarrhea dump…or change your tampon whle standing on your desk
--ask the lady at the sushi area of the SS if they could carve you a cucumber into a suitable dildo or prentend to have a voilenet orgasm the next time you get a pap test
--tell people at work that you have herpes of the genitalia or work out at the gym wearing one of those thong suits..

8) Where would you rather have sex?

--In the bathroom at work or in the bathroom at a sporting event
--In a porta potty or in a stinkly slaughter house
--In your parents Closet while they are in bed in front of one of your friends

9) Would you Rather?

-- wear an adult diaper and shit your pants (audibly…) in a restaurant on a date OR ask your dad to shave your bush and be deadly serious about it.
--.eat your own puke or smear somebody elses on your body like you are lathering yourself up for a porn movie
-- watch really really really raunchy porno with your parents…or walk in on them riding doggy style and watch for 2 minutes

10) Who would you rather have give you a pap test?

--Your dad or that creepy guy who collects cans around town
--Your little brother or Bax Noel
-- a stranger or an X BF that you hate

Cheers to the sickos!!!!
J and T

Golden Globes....mostly a disappointment

2007-01-16T13:14:00.000-04:00

Here are some of my thoughts on last night's GG's:

Favorite Dresses: Selma Hayek's, Felicity Huffman's, Drew Barrymore's
Best Speech: Merryl Streep
Runner up for Best Speech: Sacha Barron Cohen

- Forest Whitaker looked scared shitless when he got his award
- America Ferrera....her speech was awesome and had everyone crying...for the first 45 seconds...then it got super annoying as I was begging her to shut up. Then it was followed up by the akward moment when she went and stood by the entertainment interviewer girl and you were nver quite sure if she SHOUDL have stopped there or not...what was that about?
- As disappointed as I was to see Ugly Betty win for best TV Comedy...I did like seeing how excited and pumped the whole cast was....that was nice.
-GA definitely deserved to win best TV Drama....hands down
- Alec Baldwin is friggin funny...but my heart broke a little when Steve Carell lost out for Best Actor in TV Comedy/Musical.
- Prince is weird.

Top Piss-off's of the night:
- I'm not doubting that Bable is good...but who actually saw it?
- HOW did Jeremy Irons beat out Jeremy Piven for best supporting actor in Series or Movie Made for TV???? Have these people even SEEN Entourage??? WTF?!
- How did Ugly Betty (which again, I'm not saying is NOT good...but in comparrison...) beat out both The Office, AND Entourage for best TV Comedy...that's just insanity.
- Dreamgirls.....what's so great about that movie?? I will see it....however, I can tell you right now that it is not better than Little Miss Sunshine or Borat...the two movies that should have won for Best Musical or Comedy Movie.
- Happy Feet and it's music looks dumb to me

And that's all I have to say about that.

Counting down......

2006-12-11T15:35:00.000-04:00

Well its dark at 430 when I get home from work, so that can only mean 1 thing.....the holidaze are coming! There are a number of things that we all look forward to during the holiday season, whether it be eating, drinking or being merry, the list is long and lovely. Here are a few of the things I look forward to each year, and for good measure and because every list needs a ying AND a yang, a few things I don't.

--Not working - nuff said
--Sleeping in - even though my capacity for sleeping in has been reduced
from 10am to 8am, a sleep in, is a sleep in nonetheless
-- Munchies and snacks a pleanty; including party packs, fudge, chips and
as many types of dip you can name.
--PRESENTS:!!! giving AND receiving is NOT lost on this girl, I can unwrap
as fast as any 6 year old
--Turkey dinner - I love being the little shit that eats all the stuffing out of
the turkey before it hits the table....haha...suckas
-- Hangin with the fam - hoping for a food fight this year
--Seeing the kids open stuff, freak out and then play with the same old
crap that was there last year...
--The usual holiday party which includes lots of catching up, overdrinking
and usually ends with my head in the toilette bowl...funtimes, funtimes
--The 12 days of XMASS song by the Mackenzie Brothers. Basically if they
played that all day, everyday on CKBW that would be the best present
ever

OK now for a few things I am not looking forward to; a lot of this is part of the annoyance of being single during the holidays so bare with me....
--Last months break up has left me RETURNING xmass presents before
the holidays. A constant reminder of the breakup, and lets face it -
FUCKING annoying.
--NO date for new years AGAIN....soon I am going to start kissing furniture
or stuffed animals
--overeating - sabotage of the 7 pounds I lost so far.
--Snow, and probably a storm. Have I mentioned that I hate snow...
(see last years story about getting stuck)
--Sitting in uneven numbers around the table cause. I am the odd number
by the way.

So there ya go, a few good and a few bad. A pretty balanced list I think. Now If I could just hear the beer song, it would all be good!!!! A BEER IN A TREE

Peace and holiday luv
J

The bitter rantings of the recently dumped!

2006-11-20T11:00:00.000-04:00

For all of you who have ever experienced that moment where your desire to maintain composure and your need to vent collide in a Harry Potteresque moment. This never to be mailed letter is for you.....and for the fucking losers who hurt you.

Dear emotionally stunted, grammatically challenged, brokeass loser

You know I was really trying to put this "relationship" if you can even call it that, behind me with a little class and dignity, which is more then I can say for you, but fuck it. I have never in my life encountered such a selfish self centered, immature, bastard. I am SOOOO fucking glad that you decided that a smart, sensitive, loyal, giving, sweet, pretty and intelligent girl was not the one for you because it made me realise what a loser I was willing to share all of that with. It would never ever in a million years worked (which people told me in the beginning) because to be completely honest, we are not even close to being in the same league. So I can thank you for that one. Thanks be to GOD that I don't have to waste anymore time, energy OR MONEY on your grammatically incorrect, verbally challenged, dictionary needing ass. And if you don't know the meaning of any of those words…GO FUCKING LOOK THEM UP!

I heard about your little show that you put on Saturday night while you were Djing, and I REALLY hope that you feel proud of yourself. Personally, I am a little embarrassed for you! PDA is one thing, but making out while you are working, is just unprofessional and to be frank…kinda dirty.

Now you might think that all of this ranting comes from a place of jealousy or perhaps that I am not over you. Don't kid, OR flatter yourself my friend. Over you is in my rear-view mirror and pitying you is passing on the right. I regret the fact that one of your own friends warned me about you in the beginning, and I didn't listen. NOW them (note the grammer) are some smart people, and obviously know you better then I ever would, or care to for that matter.

I hope you have a great life.. Riding your 4 wheelers, burning your tires, and making up stupid sounds and words….LEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No loner the bank of Canada

Sexy lips, is sexy in many many ways

2006-11-16T13:22:00.000-04:00

As our lives tend to do from time to time, I have recently hit a little pothole. Yes as most of you know, a little relationshippy that I just had, has ended. Among other things, it causes a person to have a bit more time for thinkin'. Pondering (aka obsessing) why it happened, why it didn't, and basically searching for an answer that will never materialise.

In an effort to be a little proactive in the whole "get the fuck over it" thing, I have, predictably been doing lots of reading, and trying to find meaning in things I watch on TV. So, yesterday I happen to catch Oprah...LOL who am I kidding, it was no accident, it's a daily fixture, but whatever that is another issue altogether. This show was perticularly interesting because of its super cool guest. MR sexy lips himself, John Mayer. Now I have heard John Mayer speak before, heard all his genious lyrics, and on occasion commented on what an articulate, deep thinker the dude is. On this occasion, he was particularly ON. His outlook on life is insightful, interesting and gives a person cause to think.

To make a long story short, I went on HIS blog to give it a quick read, and the following post Hit me right between the eyeballs. Yes I realise that this is stealing. BUT Johnny M, please forgive me:-)) I loved you message and want to share it, I feel like you will understand…SO have a read, take a moment, print this story and keep in in your purse…whatever.

"CHANGEI've been thinking about something lately.

Imagine this:You're on an airplane, sleeping with your head against the window, your heart set on being home this time three hours from now. All of a sudden, something goes very wrong. The plane stops moving across the air and instead starts falling through it. The lights are flickering and the movie is skipping. The plane dips hundreds of feet in seconds, and the yellow cups fall from the ceiling. They're a brighter shade of yellow than you remember, because unlike the demonstration, these cups have never been handled before. "Flight attendants take your seats now", you hear, the pilot's voice trembling over a cacophony of alert tones. You get that smell in the bridge of your nose like you've just been hit with a football. That's what the fear smells like. The plane is going down.Four more drastic drops in under a minute. People are crying. For all the folklore about how your life flashes before your eyes, you're remarkably fixed on one vision - your parents. They're sleeping at this very moment, in a bedroom so quiet they can hear the clock in the kitchen. And you can see them, clear as can be. You wish you could see a playground or a first kiss, but all you can see is your parents sleeping. Huh. Well, that's that.Several long minutes go by. Then, all at once, the lights come back on and the plane somehow rights itself. Some people cheer, but most people cry harder. The plane lands about an hour later, and as soon as you feel that touch down - hell, even when you were within 50 feet of the ground and could still technically survive a fall - you realize that however you brokered the deal between you and God worked; you've just been granted life in overtime.Here's the question: what do you change? Whom do you call that you haven't spoken to in years? Whom do you realize has been toxic to your heart and drop with surprising ease? What trips do you cancel, and what trips do you book? What can't you be bothered with anymore? What's the new you like?Think about that, and then ask one more question. Why not just change it all right now?(Working on it...)

Peace OUT

KFC war

2006-11-02T08:51:00.000-04:00

** Names have been changed, although not necessarily to protect the innocent

Ok...so as most people know, I live behind a KFC, in fact, my bedroom overlooks their parking lot. From my perch I see a lot of things go on.....things that made me come to the decision that not only will I never EVER eat there, but neither will any of my friends or family. The workers on their breaks coming out smoking their cigarettes, coughing up all kinds of colourful shit and spitting them out on the ground, the delivery whore who goes around with her delivery boyfriend all night, with her little girl in the back seat happily guzzling fountain pop from KFC, and don't even get me started on the bums that live in their dumpsters (although entertaining, not very good for increasing ones appetite).

Well Ladies and Gentlemen, this Tuesday night, my hatred towards the Quinpool KFC establishment and their sub-hygenic staff, came to a new level.

I was on my way to my Tuesday night golf lesson, and as I was walking to my car, I notice a piece of paper, with the following typed on it:
"Your Licence plate has been recorded down for our files.Please do not park your car here, this is for customer parking ONLY. If you Continue to leave your car here, we will have no choice but to have it towed at your expense.
thank you for understanding
KFC Management
**Steve McNuttless"

Now here's a little background, factual info for you all. Since I live behind a KFC, I sort of live in a parking lot...a parking lot that MY landlady owns 3 of the parking spots, and has a contract with the OWNER of the KFC in which she rents those 3 spots out the Grease-Fire-Waiting-to-Happen. But, since this year one of her tenants required the use of a parking spot, she had their contract amended so that they now rent out only 2 of the 3 spots, leaving one for Bug. To make things even better, I am actually parking in the spot that the OWNER of KFC suggested that I park in (the one furtherest away from KFC, and closer to my house).

So, back to the moment I discover this love letter from **Steve McNuttless, I am instantly filled with rage that my enemy has made a move to TOW MY CAR. I storm over to KFC, golf club in hand, and march right in front of the lost souls waiting to EAT the shit they fry up there, and go right up to some retard working the cash:
Amy: "I live in the house behind you, and I just found this note on my car saying that I'm not supposed to be parked there. Now I'd like to speak to a manager"
KFC retarded worker: blank stare "ok"

Now, enter Jennifer, the manager currently on duty.
Amy: "I live in the house behind you, and I found this note on my car saying that I am unable to park in the parking spot. I happen to pay for that parking spot, since my landlady rents 2 of her 3 parking spaces out to this place,and keeps one for me. So, if my car DOES get towed, someone here (and yes, i actually did the finger point to people behind the counter) is going to be held financially responsible."
Jennifer: "I don't know anything about this note, but my district manager (DM) just left and I'll call her and see if she is home. And Steve is our headoffice manager, he was here for like 5 minutes today."

Of course this DM is not home at them time...so Jennifer leaves a message with DM to call her, then Jennifer takes my name and number, and gives me HER name and number...which turns out to be worthless, because I noticed that Jennifer has no pull at her place of employment. I tell Jennifer, that I will be gone until after 8pm, and to have someone return my call after this time.

But no, KFC does not comprehend the concept of time. So I come home from golf saying that DM had called, and told my roommate that my car will be ok. Well DM, that is NOT sufficient enough for me. So, I call Jennifer back (becuase conveniently, DM's number on our phone comes up as 'unknown') and I tell Jennifer that someoen called BEFORE 8pm, and I want to speak to them, so she says she will call DM and tell her to call me back...I wait...and wait...and no call ever comes.

I get up the next morning to my roommate fearfully informing that that the "No Parking" sign I had posted over my parking spot was GONE. So...not only did **Mr. Steve McNuttless leave me a note, he STOLE MY NO PARKING SIGN. That, my friends, is stealing, and I believe, it is against the law. And I want to know...how does this headoffice manager, who is there for 5 minutes, know my car is there all the time....unless one of the workers told him and ratted me out!! And then, this Mr. Bigshot Headoffice Manager, doesn't even bother to look into WHY my car is parked there 7 days a week 24 hours a day??? Perhaps, talk to the OWNER of the store, or someone who doesn't throw out garbage and fucking deep fry crap for $7.50/hr!! Nope....he just gest busy writing notes and stealing signs.

So, you might be wondering "Amy, what do you want from all this??" I'll tell you what I want...I want to talk to **Mr. Steve McNuttless, and I want to yell at him, and tell him WHY I park there, and then when I feel statisfied with my bitchy, yet factual explaination, I want an appology...AND...I want a NEW no parking sign, not delivered to my door, no, I want it HUNG BACK UP where it was!!!

Of all the fast food places to put a note on my car....it couldn't have been nice, clean McDonalds nextdoor...no...it had to be my born enemy KFC....it was a deliberate act of war if you ask me.....and they are going to regret it.

So, this morning, I call **McNuttless...tell him who I am, where I live, and recap the note he left for me.
Steve: "We didn't know that was you, we thought it was someone from across the street who shouldn't be there anyway. I will call and notify the store that the green car is yours and is allowed to park there."
Amy: "There is also the matter of a No Parking sign that I had posted on the fence behind my car, which has been removed."
Steve: "Well, we can probably look into getting another one of those...but we have a lot of vandalism in this area...people going onto our roof and spray painting our signs (which I watched two punks do about two weeks ago!!!), spray paint the fence, so it very well could have been them. But I'll call the store and notify them, and feel free DEAR to go over and introduce yourself, we are neighbors! And then maybe we can avoid another embarassing situation."

Well Steve....I'm not embarrassed....and I did introduce myself, with my golf club in hand, in a minor fit of rage, so I'm PRETTY sure they'll remember me.

Now lets see how long before I get a new No Parking sign.

I've won this battle KFC.....but I doubt the war is over.

(Side note: As I'm typing this, there is a KFC worker out there with cigarette hanging out of his mouth, moving plastic boxes around, and throwing things in the garbage....and it looks like he did not shower today at all...or possibly even this week.)

Sexy Back...

2006-09-17T23:26:00.000-03:00

Could Justin Timberlake be the new and improved answer to Micheal Jackson? With his catchy pop tunes and stellar dance moves...minus the kiddy rapes and whatnot....sounds like a win-win for everyone. Dropping the rest of those dead weight N'Sync-ers was a mondo smart career move for JT...and I don't think I even have to comment on image boost that came with replacing the blonde trailer trash for the blonde bombshell.

Update

2006-08-16T14:39:00.000-03:00

Holy Crap its been a long time no post…eeek

Summer is a bit of a blur, and fall is not looking any slower. I have absolutely nothing to bitch about too, which is oddly alarming.

Wedding season is in full swing, holy mosses people get married a lot when you are 20-30 somethings. Wouldn't it be cool to attend something completely original, like a wedding on a clif, where the bride and groom REALLY do take a plunge aftewards. Now there is a water cooler story.

I really keep thinking that I am going to win Set for Life. Pipe dream? Maybe, but still the anticipation of scratching one of those little suckers is akin to waiting for the boyfriend to come over with a blizzard or something..

Yep you ready corretly, I used the word boyfriend…holy fuck is THAT a weird statement.

I am very addicted to Big Brother, 3 nights a week, and reading Zachy Braff's website. He makes me laugh in my head.

Today I am very tired, 6 hours sleep is not enough.

Fuck I hate the lady that sits beside me. HEY wait I found something to complain about…Pfewwwww!!!I was a little worried there for a sec.

peace

Dante and Randals return - 14 year later!

2006-07-20T08:52:00.000-03:00

If you aren’t already a fan of comedic genius Kevin Smith perhaps this new film (the much anticipated sequel to Clerks) will inspire you to join the cool kids at the cool table!

My appreciation for Kevin is years in the making, as is my collection of his movies. Dick and fart jokes, bring em on! Adam Sandler you have Nuttin on the Kevinator!

Also soon to be released an Evening with Kevin Smith II. Shows from "Our Home and Native Land", sure to be action packed with satirical commentary, idiotic questions about Kevins dick size and hours upon hours of side splitting laughter.

Run! Don’t walk to theatres July 21, perhaps with blunt in hand

www.viewaskew.com

YEAH SUMMER!!!

2006-06-26T15:21:00.000-03:00

Even though its been raining more in the last 2-3 months then it did when Noah built the ark, I still find myself foolishly hopeful that we will have a sunny and sweet summer.

Even though I know that with summer comes the unairconditioned HELL that IS my apartment. However I do look forward to the gasps, and surprises on peoples faces when they enter and realise that the air is 40 degrees hotter then it is outside. Oddly enough it has yet to help me sweat off any more pounds. Anyway this year my mom promises to get me an airconditioned, so we'll see.

New obsessions and things I look forward to this summer..its mostly TV, what is THAT all about??

Flip this House - I am strangly attracted to the 40 something southern BILLIONAIRE that owns Trademark Realty, he swears like a sailor in a sexy southern accent and flys a helicopter. Nuff said!

Big Brother All Stars - My god, can anything get any better then that. 3 times a week I will be glued, yes glued (even more then I am now) to crazy nutcases, drama, sex on live TV and Mortys spoilers

Season 3 of the best GODDAM show on TV - Entourage baby. If you have not had the pleasure, run don't walk, to your computer and download the first 2 seasons and then get on the bandwagon. Marky Mark is the producer….THERE now are ya hooked???? Thanks for that one Amy

An all new rock star, and Canadian Idol will share billing. I am embarassed about admitting to one, and not so sure about the other, so we'll see. Amy says that in person Ben is actually orange, I look forward to seeing that.

The soccer field - This I will reveal more about later, lets just say that I have no interest in SOCCER whatsoever…(insert evil laugh here)

A lake to swim in, a new house being built, a new niece or nephew, a few weddings, a visit from Lorrie hopefully, a diet (BOOOO), the beach, and to end it all off, a SWEET ass trip back to Beantown.

So here's to a sunny summer, some hotties, beer with less calories, and lots of FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seacrest OUT

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BUTTIN!!!

2006-06-15T17:54:00.000-03:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUTTIN!!!!
Due to a situation that rendered me high on tylenol #3's, and slightly deformed....this post is a few (2 to be exact) days late.
I wish I could have spent her birthday with her....but rotten teeth and distance kept us apart. Here are some ideas of how we COULD have spent the day, if circumstances would have allowed:
1. gallivanting around the streets of Boston
2. enjoying the pleasures of some natural "herb's"
3. brightly dressed in neon dancing to greats such as Madonna and Cyndi Lauper (oh wait...that was my birthday..)
4. travelling the world in search of an Elton concert
5. drunk and seculded in a conner or bathroom stall somewhere chatting
6. shopping
7. watching people and then making comments about them once they pass us
8. eating.....probably cake....a few pieces.....each....maybe some lobster....or steak...or both...
9. under Blanket
10. planning our weddings and then locking them away in a time capsule
11. playing super nintendo
12. cruising around in Girl and Jitty
....my favorite.....
13. told each other how pretty we are

I hope you had a good day, even if you didn't get to do any of those fun things with me. We will do them ALL this summer when you come to the B'wat! I can't wait!

Happy Belated Buttin....celebrate like EVERYDAY is your birthday!
Love,
Firefly

Judge orders a game of rock, paper, scissors to settle dispute

2006-06-12T10:59:00.000-03:00

I sort of feel like this is a fair and equal way to settle all disputes. Think of the reduction in noise polution, arguments, marital fights, disputes in the workplace, political debates, disagreements with kids etc .

Here are my top 10 favorite uses for Rock, Papers, Scissors

10) I get really annoyed at all the yelling that happens in the political arena, I mean if the Liberals and Conservatives could simply say "gay Marriage" Rock, Papers Scissors , Shoot!!!! Gay marriage, legal…argument over..

9) Who takes out the garbage
8) Who pays for dinner
7) What TV show to watch
6) What is you bed time (this one of course is for kids under 14)
5) Who gets the last piece of cake
4) Who gets to handle the irate client
3) What radio station to listen to
2) Who gets to drive

And the number 1 argument that can be solved by a rousing (or is it AROUSING) game of Rock, Papers, Scissors. Also appearing on the much anticipated X-Rated version of the game. Who's on top??

A Happy, Happy B-day Baby!!!!

2006-05-03T12:01:00.000-03:00

She's a quarter century old, or so I'm told
So we celebrate and give a big cheer!!!
She's sweet and and so fun, and a hottie to boot
And we really do hope, she gets TONS of loot!

The big 2-5 is a milestone so far
And so is her first KICKEN' (almost new ) car
I hope its a great day full of fun and cheesecake
Unfortunately, your card I did not make

Hope its an awesome day Amy, Happy Happy B-day

Luv ya
Jenn

Help Win This Bet

2006-04-29T22:34:00.000-03:00

Help Win This Bet

Help a brother out.

Maury Povich and others at his TV show sued for sexual harassment

2006-04-25T20:31:00.000-03:00

Maury Povich and others at his TV show sued for sexual harassment: "A producer for TV talk show host Maury Povich filed a $100 million US sexual harassment lawsuit against him and other members of his staff Monday, claiming they barraged her with sexual remarks and made her watch pornographic movies and expose her body. "

Yeah but....is the baby's daddy a man who went from geek to chic?

2006-04-20T13:21:00.000-03:00

i love this boy

Peeing and stuff

2006-03-27T11:15:00.000-04:00

Why am I so freaked out by the sound of people peeing? Specifically men. Is anyone else afflicted with the sudden urge to bolt, giggle, or shift in your chair when randomly placed next to a bathroom while waiting for, um lets see..... a doctor, or an insurance agent? Please tell me that I am not the only one that finds the sounds of a zipper unzipping and a spash of water that sounds like Niagra Falls, a little disturbing, icky or just plain grose. It's not just the sound of them peeing that freaks me either, I don't particularly enjoy anyone else listening to my bathroom visits either. In highschool I used to get up and go to the second floor of the house so my boyfriend wouldn't hear me pee....so I don't descriminate!

Twice in the last 2 weeks I had the unfortunate experience of sitting in a quiet room, RIGHT next to a bathroom. And let me tell ya, the 2 hotties that entered the bathroom, were not so hot when the exited.

I am thinking about starting a petition to have building codes legislated with a "sound proofing, the bathroom" clause. Any takers??

J

The definition of insanity

2006-03-23T20:36:00.000-04:00

Untitled Document

I will certainly never get over this.

...and I am at a loss for words.

Beep Beep!

2006-03-14T11:06:00.000-04:00

I am pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of VW Bug!!! I was very surprised yesterday when my studying was interupted by a VERY generous set of parents who showed up to hand over the keys to a green 2000, Beetle.
Anyone who knows me, is aware that I had a deep attachment to Jetta. She was my parents old car...the first new car I saw them buy...the car I learned to drive with, and got my lisence with....and she took me through 248 700km. It was very sad to see her drive away.
Since Jetta, although affectionate, was not a very orginal name for the 1995 VW mobile....I have decided to open up the stage, to the most creative people I know, for suggestions on names for the Bug. So far, her name is LoveBug....but there has been no christening of this name yet....
Stay tuned for pictures...which will be taken on the next sunshiney day!

THANKS!!!

2006-03-13T09:54:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to give some serious PROPS and a BIG GIGANTIC thanks to the amazing group of people who made this BIG B-day a truely fabuloso experience. My life in pictures was simply unbelieveable, and thanks to the production crew that made it possible, I plan on subjecting all visitors to a private viewing!! AGAIN thanks guys!!

When you look at all the good times on screen it makes you look at life completely differently. AND I'll never forget the visual of Tash, putting this all together in her ripped sweats, with a baby on the boob!

THANKS guys!
Amy, Jenn W, Tash, Dave, rents!

Happy Birthday Holla

2006-03-09T16:40:00.000-04:00

30 years ago today a superstar was born...and she hasn't stopped shining since! J-Dub, I hope your day is full of sparklers and noise makers!! And if it's not.....we'll be sure that your OTHER birthday, tomorrow, IS.
Love,
all the girls out there who don't poop

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL!!

2006-03-09T11:17:00.000-04:00

Ok, so as it would seem, today is a very popular day to be born. Over the course of many years, March 9th has spewed out such children as J-Dub, Qball, and Kayla....all very special and wonderful individuals.
Also born on March 9th, but of much less importance are:
Emmanuel Lewis - Webster
Kato Kaelin -OJ Simpson's sidekick
Bobby Fischer - the chess player
Kerr Smith - Jack McPhee from Dawson's Creek
Timeless rappers: Bow Wow, C-Murder, and Chingy
Leland Standford - the founder of Standford University
Yuri Gagarin - the first person to orbit the earth

So there you go...lots of reasons to celebrate!

globeandmail.com : Horoscopes: "Thursday, March 9th

If your birthday is today:

Most things will go well for you over the coming 12 months but one thing in particular will convince you that, at last, your luck is on the turn.

Hopefully you will have learnt from past mistakes and not take this as an invitation to rush in where angels fear to tread. All things are possible but it is still best to avoid extremes."

Happy new Decade to me!!!!!!!

2006-03-09T09:13:00.000-04:00

Feeling surprisingly gleeful on this day of days. I have officially entered a new decade and phase of life. I know it’s just another day, and I am officially only one day older but strangely enough it DOES feel a little different. I have already gone through all the feelings of inadequacy; still single, no kids, etc etc, I have been sad, scared etc..BUT those are all the things I don't have. The things I do have, far outweigh; SO instead of waiting till thanksgiving, I have decided to think of all the great things in my life on my BIG B-DAY!

--this morning I have a decorated cubicle and a hot (free) French vanilla cappuccino on my desk, and a happy b-day song to start the day. This means I have great co-workers. AND they made healthy snacks for me, so either they are really hungry OR they really like me. I prefer to think that it’s ME!
--I have an amazing family who never cease to amaze me, make me laugh or feel protected and loved!
--2 beautiful nieces and a nephew who are teaching me about patience, unconditional and instant love, and most importantly how to dodge flying feces
--I have AMAZING friends, who are fun, thoughtful, giving, beautiful, wonderful people
--a great job with challenges, security and lots of freedom (and I am secretly in love with my boss, so that's always fun) Oh wait that's NOT a secret.
--I'm healthy, and have an exercise regime that is easy to deal with and am ALMOST happy with my body etc.
---right now I am tanned, so that is always great, had a great trip south, and REALLY love my own country now
--I could also list all of the material things that make life fun, like my new TVO, car, etc but looking at all of the awesome things above makes the material things seem shallow and unimportant.

SO to sum up, on this super sunny day, I am oozing with gratitude for this life and for the people in it, and is probably the sappiest, happiest post I will ever make. I look forward to the thousands of guilt free calories that I will consume over the next 2 days, and hope to post later with any B-day adventures that might come up! Peace out!

j

The Things I Learned from Oscar

2006-03-06T12:19:00.000-04:00

Obviously I would be making a post about the observations I took during last night's Oscars....

MY FAVORITE MOMENTS AND LIFE LESSONS:
1. Ben Mulroney is annoying and akward "I'm Ben from Canada"..."Say 'hi' to Canada"...Ben, stop embarassing Canada!
2. The fact that about 60% of the red carpet interviews made me feel uncomfortable...one in particular with Jamie Foxx, who talked about bowling, and apparently longer than the interviewer wanted him to.
3. Ben Stiller is funnier than his dad...and looks simply amazing in a unitard
4. Unitard is a great, under utilized word
5. When the flash to your wife in the audience, thank her....unlike some guy no one knows, (or really card about what he had to say) did during his acceptance speech
6. Point number five leads me nicely into #6....which is....IF I DON'T KNOW YOU, KEEP IT SHORT....if no one at home knows who you are, then you have really have a very great speech...we will tolerate boring speeches for actors we recognize....but NOT you, sound byte guy.
7. J-Lo's arms are quickly gaining on her ass in size demsions
8. Can someone explain to me why they flashed to Morgan Freeman while the guys were accepting their award for March of the Penguins...and then put the spotlight on him?! What does Morgan Freeman have to do with penguins?
9. The guy who looks at his family and says "go kiwis".......what???
10. Meryl Streep and Lilly Tomlin....nicely done ladies
11. We were almost lucky enough to have someone fall...and I really thought, after Jennifer Garner had a very big wobble, almost tripping on her dress. Although watching how red her face got afterwards was somewhat satisfying....I really would have been complete had they flashed to JLo in her seat watching that happen.
12. Actors...of the male gender in particular....really age.

BEST SPEECHES:
1. The lady who thanked the Academy for sitting her next to George Clooney during the nomination luncheon
2. The foreign flim guys speech tugged at my heart strings a little bit
3. George Clooney, the first speech of the night, definitely got a few chuckles out of me...I would imagine there's some pressure to be the first acceptance speech of the night, and he did a good job
4. Obvioiusly Reese Witherspoon had a very sincere and heartfelt speech, very nice to see, and was exactly what I would expect from the country girl
5. The Three 6 Mafia were definitely the most excited, and surprised, to be up there giving an acceptance speech...I loved it!! Mind you, I couldn't understand I word they were mumbling and yelling into the microphone....it was very entertaining, and I was extremely happy they picked up the prize for that.

THE WORST SPEECHES
1. The exact opposite of the Three 6 Mafia speech was the one given by some biotch who won for best adapted screen play (for Brokeback Mountain).....she got up there and looked like it was a painful chore for her to be there and accept that award...and not painful in the way she was just so nervous...but that she was simply way above an award like this......she didn't crack a smile, she sighed and went on like the whole process was just exhausting her. I was just sitting, hoping, waiting for someone to come up to her, grab that oscar out of her hand and club her across the face with it....I now hate hate hate this woman.
2. Any speech that was given by someone I didn't recognize (eg. sound editing, costume design, etc).....BOOOORRRRRINNNGGG.

BEST DRESSES:
1. Keira Knightly probably took my best dressed shout out
2. Felicity Huffman's dress was hot
3. Michelle Williams is one of few people that could wear a canary yellow dress and look beautiful in it.
4. Uma Thurman....there was something very simple and elegant and soft about that dress, that made it a toss up for best dress of the night (sharing the honor with Keira Knightly)
5. Reese Witherspoons....i wasn't sure how I felt about it...I could have easily put it in this category, or the worst dressed
The honorable mention goes to Jennifer Aniston..

WORST DRESSES:
1. Charlize Theron...the sickness of the giant bow on her shoulder was diminished only from the sickness of her hair
2. The same above, goes for Jennifer Lopez...ick....you have such nice hair, don't slick it back with a pound of grease..then wear a barfy green dress...what's wrong with you?!
3. Selma Hyek...that dress made one boob look way bigger than the other...that's not a quality I look for in a dress...

Comments??

Oscar...more than just a garbage can grouch on Sesame St.

2006-03-05T12:56:00.000-04:00

So tonight's the night....red carpet, fancy outfits, crazy speeches, and if we are lucky maybe even a trip up the aisle or something.
This afternoon I went out to get all my essentials I need for Oscar night: Ben and Jerry's Half Baked icecream, peanut butter M&M's, salt and vinager Stacked Lays, Timmy Ho's creamy vanilla yogurt and berries, ready to go microwavable popcorn, and Chewy Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies....and my favorite pajammas are already laid out on my bed.
I thought that I would enlighten you all with my picks for the big winners of the evening, and I encourage everyone to leave their picks as well.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE: Philip Seymour Hoffman - Capote...this man has gone unrecognized for way way way too long...and anyone who can act in a whole movie with that accent and not slip up or laugh, is quite the actor in my eyes.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Jake Gyllenhaal - Brokeback Mountain.....he's unbelivably smokin hot, and he convincingly made out with Heath Ledger....give the boy a prize already!

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE: Reese Witherspoon - Walk the Line....this one was tough because I think all the nominees are deserving...however, Reese is so friggin cute, and I'd like to see her get recognized for a more serious actress instead of a legally blonde girly. That being said...if Felicity Huffman won, I'd clap just as loudly.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE: Amy Adams - Junebug...I will admit I have not yet seen this movie, although I've passed it many times at my local Blockbuster and wanted to take it home with me....I am still voting for her because, obviously, her name is Amy, and I just can't argue with that...plus, I will always see Michelle Williams as that menacing girl nextdoor, Jen from the Creek.

ANIMATED FEATURE: The Corpse Bride - that movie just visually pretty and I enjoyed it a lot

CINAMETOGRAPHY: Memoirs of a Geisha...again, I haven't seen this movie YET (though I did read the book!) and although Brokeback Mountain had extremely beautiful scenary...it was nature...I don't think movie people had much to do with Canada's naturally beautiful landscapes, so I'm not going to give them the prize for it. I think Chronic-what-cles of Narnia should be in this category if you ask me...which apparently no one did.

COSTUME DESIGN: Mrs. Henderson Presents....which funny enough is, in a very basic sense, about NUDE dancers hehe

DIRECTING: Crash...no questions or explainations needed if you've seen the movie

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: March of the Penguins...haven't seen it yet, but it's basically the only one on the list I've 1)heard of and 2) actually do want to see

MUSIC: It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp - Hustle and Flow...becuase I can't get this chorus out of my head for weeks....

WRITING (ADAPTED): Brokeback Mountain....or...Constant Gardner.....I'm at a total toss up.

WRITING (ORIGINAL): Crash...to pull all those stories together to deliver a message as strong as that one...wow.

and the big one.....

BEST PICTURE: Crash...one of the most powerful movies I've seen in a very very (possibly ever) long time.....

P.S. Jon....I know already that you are going to be the highlight of my Oscar night

TRYING pics

2006-03-02T08:51:00.000-04:00

Ok here is my attempt to post a few pics....AND I am holding you to that part about getting a crew to go away...when you and LORRIE graduate...better prepare for a bash!!! I am starting to save NOW!!!

Drunkin relatives and such!

2006-03-01T16:39:00.000-04:00

Well fellow poopers, I have braved the tin can plane once again, travelled to a dictatorship and am no worse for the wear. I have to admit to being a little tired from all that relaxing, a little peely from all the sun and a little happy to see the red and white flag waving. FUCK I love this country! So anyway here are a few of the highlights from my trip……

--Relatively smooth ride down, although my attempt to take some mind altering anxiety medication failed miserably. But I guess that's what I get for taking drugs from 1999--Blew an entire day in bed after getting extrememly sloshed from wine, beer, shots, brown cows, sex on the beach (the drink - unfortunately) and other alchohol related drinks. Mixing drinks - NOT my greatest plan. Stumbled home, and actually found my room….on the first day!

--rode on a bannana boat, got thrown off and had a small head inury--laid in a hammock IN the water, sat on lawn chairs IN the water, and did a lot of swimming

--drove extremely fast in a speed boat, swam with the fishes, and held a gigantic LIVE starfish(did you know that they are black when they are alive)…well ya do now!

--accidentally deleted 44 pics from my camera (on the last freaking day) NOT my finest hour

--observed my family DANCIN on a bar and YES that includes my MOM - PICS included in the 44 that were deleted

--got stalked by a cuban cook, hid from the cuban cook, and then felt bad after he gave me a necklace with a heart on it…

--got in SHIT at the airport for loosing my temporary travellors visa, was told to sit in the corner by a man with a gun, watched my family clear customs, and convinced myself that I would be happy living alone in Cuba and working as a maid

--met countless BRITS and adopted the word PROPER and NOBHEAD as part of my vocab

--smoke a Cuban cigar

--dove off a peer

--waited an hour to use the freaking computer to send e-mails to friends back home

--shopped at a tiny market everyday….we referred to it as going to the mall

--played tennis, beach volleyball, and walked about 50 miles--ate more bread, pasta, pizza, and french fries than I ever thought possible.-

-stayed awake for over 24 hours

So all in all I would say a pretty good trip, but glad to be home to a country where people make more then 15.00 a month

Tryign to attach some pics...we'll see how that goes

J

Hitting the beach - beware of whales

2006-02-06T11:46:00.000-04:00

AHHH sand and sun! yes that's right, this little chickadee is heading south. BEWARE tropics, here I come. I must admit that I am super excited and busy counting the 13 sleeps till I get on a tin can and fly to Cuba for a week of relaxation, gluttony, volleyball, baithing suits(gulp), hot men (hopefully) tanning, drinking, and whatever exciting adventures might come my way. I hate to admit it but I think I have spent more money primping getting ready for this trip then I thought possible. Was it really necessary for me to purchase a new wardrobe..I think not.

So the countdown/starvation diet rolls on. Hopefully there will be some funny stories after the trip. Although NOTHING will compare to the kayak incident of 1999....

J

SWF

2006-01-24T16:56:00.000-04:00

So I haven't posted in ages....but I have been keeping up on all your rants. Here's one for all you ladies.

It has now been 7 months since I have been single. Why is that everyone always says being single is so much fun? At 19, 20, 21, yeah it is fun but at 25, not so much. So far I have had encounters with "the stalker," "the baby-maker", "the belly-button piercer", "the 'I have a girlfriend but you're the one'", oh and "let's be friends and hang out again ex". There are very few normal single people out there...minus myself and that in itself, is questionable.

Being an independent person, I know I do not NEED a man....but seriously, I would just like to come in contact with someone who does not creep me out. These are the reasons this single thing sucks:

- I have a formal to go to this weekend in which I am sitting at a table of 9....but it is supposed to be 10......I am the odd number!
- I have 4 weddings as of this summer to go to
- I have no bf to bitch about....and everyone is getting tired of hearing about the ex.
- I have no morals anymore when I go downtown....and my standards have declined dramatically.
- I live with a married couple!!
- I have a pretty green dress I would really like to wear somewhere special......

So, help me out ladies. Let me know why single-life is so great....or let me know of some kick ass places where normal people are!!

Just a Friendly Reminder

2006-01-23T12:55:00.000-04:00

VOTE....

Get your asses out there and VOTE...today's the day.

Also....I don't want to influence any of you....BUT...I'd also like to NOT be bare foot and pregnant, lose my right to vote, and send all the men in my life off to war.....so just keep that in mind when you're marking that ballot ok?!

Little Mary-freaking sunshine!

2006-01-19T08:56:00.000-04:00

Things that are annoying me already this morning, and its only 8:44

-Bra fat ( yours, mine everybodys) - yeah you know that little fold of flab that resides right underneath the back strap of your bra. You know what I am talking about. GROSE!

People who don't signal when they are turning - this one pissed me off so many times in the 2 minute drive on the way to work that I purposely decided to "forget" to signal as I was parking. Pretty sure I succeeded in pissing off the guy who was riding my tail as I was about to park - annoying wasn't it pal! Yeah well - SUCK IT!

Garbage day - nuff said

CKBW - they play the EXACT same few songs every morning between 7-730. Also---my new Shower radio - the radio that I begged my mom to give me for Christmas which ONLY picks up CKBW, forcing me to listen to the same fucking 3 songs every goddam morning.

My clothes - YES all my clothes. Cause its tottaly their fault for shrinking (not me gaining weight, so don't even think it) preventing me from wearing half of them, making it almost impossible to wear something different every day for a few weeks, making choosing an outfit for work EXREMELY frustrating, and making me 15 minutes late.

People in my office that I hate- you know the ones that have the same effect on you as, oh, I dunno. Fiddle heads, or brussel sprouts…basically they just make me mad looking at them.

Election Coverage - I don't give 2 sweet shits the Jack Layton visited a daycare center in Winnipeg, or planted a tree in Sault Ste Marie.

GRRRR - rant over...
Time to drink some coffee

J

Jumpin up on the Soap Box!!!

2006-01-16T09:45:00.000-04:00

Great topic, I have a little more then 2 cents to put in, so here is a buck fifty!

Great job Amy for bringing this topic up. I think it’s awesome that we take the time to chime in on the currently political debates, parties, candidates. Unfortunately, what I do think some of our thoughts/comments reveal is the extensive lack of interest/knowledge that our generation and to be completely honest most of the population has about our political system.

I am certainly no authority on politics, I AM NOT. I don't spend my night’s sleepless, reading platforms and re-reading my political science books from University. However, being thrown into a work environment that is at its foundation very political, has given me a little insight. And LOTS of opinions..haha

The truth of the matter is, none of the political parties has any intention of "changing anything". Not really. Nothing that will substantially effect Joe Public, nothing that will make an indelible impact on the entire country. The truth of the matter is, there aren't a heck of a lot of issues that effect the entire country equally, that need changing. Each region has its own set of unique challenges, which is why we each have our own MP's. But can one MP, in one region, actually make a difference? Nope sorry, not gonna happen. Not enough votes. So therefore small issues that effect small regions, usually get a 30 sec sound bite in the house, and are then thrown in the shredder, basically so MP's can attack each other on issues with more meat, and get more air time! For example. "Liberal corruption" Fighting words right!! Words that when communicated in the media outrage the country and help to initiate an election to bring down a party that kept us out of one of the "STUPIDEST" wars of our lifetime, and probably saved thousands of lives. Words that have an ounce of truth and ten ounces of crap. If you wanna talk about wasting money, you better go a heck of a lot deeper then a few kickbacks, that's an appetiser compared to the main course of billion wasted on MP travel, overhead spending, and decisions made for regions in an office high a-top a 15 story high rise in Ottawa. But again, this will not change no matter who is in power. Politics is about holding the power, making you afraid of the other party to keep them out of power, the almighty dollar, and "the game".

Look at the country, is it really so bad here? What's to change? What "difference" do you want them to make. We live in a country that is free of oppression, has more social supports that almost any other, free health care., we are not at war, we have the lowest unemployment rate right now then we have had in years, gays can be married, and POT is almost legal. (haha) Now granted, the environment is Fucked, and we are consuming resources at a rate that would scare the shit out of the population if they really knew how fast it was happening, and gov't money is, frequently, YES being spent in a way that would make Joe public less then enthused. But these facts will not change no matter who is in office. If you want change, real change, important change you will need some serious bank roll, a network in your pocket, and some directions on how to "play the game". Because make no mistake about it, politics is a game. Its also about making people believe what you want them to believe, usually at a certain point in time, and then change their minds whenever you feel like it. Use the media to distort, mold, outrage, and basically fool the public into thyinking whatever you want.

I personally think there should be a "status quo" party, one that vows not to change a thing. One that vows to keep the peace keepers…keeping the peace, spending billions on private jets and BMW's, and continuing the smoke and mirrors show to ensure the public really has no idea what kind of decisions are being made from Sussex drive.

Ponder this, do we really need gov't? Is there a locale in the world that runs on its own, without leaders making decisions? Remember in elementary school where everyone voted on everything, no influence, no bull shit, just majority rules. Could that work? Worth a try?

I have no idea, but its fun to day dream, speculate and pretend I have a clue what I am talking about.

My Political Soap Box

2006-01-12T10:54:00.000-04:00

Happy New Year, blah blah blah.....Sorry I haven't posted in a while....blah blah blah....

Now that I have more time to waste, I am going to try to waste more of it catching up on my blogging. And to start off....I figured I woul dabble in, what tends to be, a somewhat touchy subject, but yet one that we should all be stewing over at this time.....POLITICS.

With the upcoming election and what not....lets talk voting. Apparently this is important...I get this feeling for many reasons, one of which being it was a big deal when they let us little, baby poppin- women and them there coloured folk do it....I was also given the impression that voting was a somewhat signigicant task after having the following conversation with my Dad:

Dad: I want you to vote
Amy: yeah ok
Dad: No, I WANT you to vote....I don't care who you vote for....just go out and mark something a piece of paper.
Amy: yeah...ok
Dad: Seriously...you can just go to Dal and do it.....so vote ok?
Amy: YEAH, OK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok...so voting is important.....I GET IT. And from what I hear, a lot of people understand the importance of voting...HOWEVER...here is where I get a little 'fuzzy'....I don't think people really UNDERSTAND voting. I believe that's thanks to our electorial system, which seems to strip away the concept behind voting.

Let me explain....when I talk to people about the election, people tend to say the following:
- "I don't know who to vote for...I like the person in my riding, but I don't like the overall leader of that party." (note: this is a real problem)
Perhaps the stupidest things I've heard for an argument:
- "I will probably just vote for the majority, otherwise my vote won't really count."
- "I like the ideas behind the Green Party...but voting for them is like not voting at all, because they will never win."

Well of course they will never win with an attitude like that! To me, the WHOLE POINT of voting is to make a DIFFERENCE, and to let YOUR voice be heard....or at least that was the impression I was always under. It blows my mind how people think that 'well, since the Green party (or NDP, or whoever the fuck else is out there) will never really win, voting for them won't matter.' Let me ask you this....HOW EXACTLY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE DO WIN ELECTIONS?! Because people vote for them.....

I'm just going to come right out and say it.....I'm voting Green Party.....whatEVER. And here is why:
a) To me, they're the only ones that seem to be saying something different.
b) I see them as 'real people', not your typical politician who has selfish, political agenda to better serve their political party, rather than the people of our country as a whole.
c) They care more about getting their IDEAS out there, more than getting a bunch of seats....as long as their ideas can be picked up and used by another party, makes no real difference to them, becuase they care about outcomes, and not personal gain.
d) I like how their ideas and suggestions are long term oriented and not necessarily a quick fix...in some cases, things MIGHT have to get worse in order for them to get better and remain better.
e) if pot gets leagalized....well that's just a big bonus isn't it....and if any of those parties would make that happen....I'm going to guess it would be the 'green' party.

So I'm going to vote for who I want to see move forward and be given the chance to make a difference, not who the MAJORITY is going to vote for....because to me, that is defeating the whole purpose of MY vote! Maybe the Green party won't get enough votes to win.....but if we all start voting for who we WANT, and use OUR vote and not just make the vote that we think will make the MOST difference, but the BEST difference.........then maybe the Green party will at least make enough progress to be taken seriously, and be given more funding so that they can make themselves be heard more. The change can come sooner than we think if we all take our votes back from the majority.

Winter Wonderland, MY ASS

2005-12-12T16:45:00.000-04:00

I know that I am supposed to be Canadian and all, but let’s be honest SNOW sucks, winter sucks, ice sucks and cold sucks. Case in point. Friday night, FIRST major snow fall of the season. At first I thought, oh what pretty little white flakes how cute are you, falling all over the place all shiny and pretty. Yeah well the minute those pretty little white flakes begin to interrupt the movie that I paid 4.99 on Satellite to watch, they quickly become those ugly little fucking cold pieces of SHIT. They also play center stage in the ridiculous frustration that ensued that night.

So, the snow had been falling for a couple of hours, and after blinking and threatening, the power finally went out. BUT being the ever resourceful girl that I am (who had not a candle to be found) opened an xmass present to a relative that will remain nameless and finally had some light, found the phone, and called for back up. Yes that's right, this scared of the dark little chicky called her mommy. Mom and dad convinced me to come over, and so the adventure began. I might also add that in the process of looking out the window at the ugly cold pieces of shit, I proceeded to break my front blind, which left my scared, cold, little self exposed for all the world to see.

As I left the apt and headed to the rents, I couldn't help but notice that my brand new All Season tires had zero traction and were fast becoming another annoyance. Slipping and sliding I made it up the first major hill, but then. ….and I can admit this now. I panicked…. Half way up Aberdeen I chickened out and turned into a subdivision. Thinking that if I was going to get stuck on a hill, then better out of harms way and hidden from sight so no one would see the stupid idiot without snow tires. After trying a few times, I gave up hope of getting up the gymormous hills and called the rents (AGAIN) I can also admit now, that I was not the cool and confident girl I profess to be, I was annoyed, frustrated, and having to explain to my half in the bag father where I was, was just the icing on the cake. Finally they arrived with the SUV, (with snow tires) and I gave up the reigns to my dad, who after several failed attempts, made a run for the biggest hill, burned the shit out of my tires, and FINALLY made it home.

Now if the sight of the 3 of us, circling a subdivision trying to get the hell out isn't enough to make you chuckle. How about this one.

I mentioned the stormy weather earlier, well stormy weather and satellites don't mix. Needless to say, they had no TV at their house either. And heaven forbid the Waggs have no TV, no sports desk, nothing to watch before bedtime. So my 58 year old father and I, dressed in our warmest mitties and toques, haled out the ladder and climbed to the second floor of the house, with broom in hand to brush the snow off the dish. Standing there, freezing cold, watching my dad climb to the roof, snow and wind swirling overhead, was just enough to put me over the edge, I literally almost peed myself.

Good times, Good times

The Continuing Saga of the Fucking Bed

2005-10-28T12:49:00.000-03:00

I am so frustrated right now, that my head is actually tingling..BUT I decided that I am going to laugh about this and post on my Blog to ease the pain. The story is called...“The Continuing saga of the FUCKING BED”`

Lets start at the beginning. Once upon a time in a land about 2000 miles from here, a young lady decides to buy her very first BRAND NEW Queen SIZE bed. Not only is this a very grown up task for the once “daddies little girl”, but a very exciting adventure to be sleeping in a bed bigger then something found in an old ST.F.X dorm room. One fine sunny day, the girl ventures to the Bay with her roomies in tow, to pick out the new bed. Weeks later it’s delivered and our story really begins.

The bed is fine at first but after a few years, she notices a distinct sagging in the middle. Her parents would insist on commenting every time she mentioned the uncomfortable sleeps she was having. “Beds that have one person sleeping in them should NEVER sag that much.” Her first reaction being, geeze folks, thanks for the awknowledgement of the sleeping alone thing, and the second was shit no, that will be wayyy too much trouble. A few months go by and after many a sleepless night and pain in the neck, the girl decides to bite the bullet and roll the dice to try and have the mattress declared defective. First mistake!

After calling the big bad Bay…or the “HORRID place she will never shop in again” as it is now affectionately called, a tech is dispatched to her home to “assess” the bed. He arrives and is nice enough. Not cute, mind you (which sucks, because if you are gonna have a guy hanging out on your bed and checking its “cushion”, he definitely should be cute)! His only saving grace is that he was an Alumni from the girls almamater, so it’s all good. His assessment of the bed takes all of about 5 minutes, but little did the lovely lady know that the letter that would arrive WEEKS later would begin the biggest bout of frustration she ever had with a piece of furniture.

As I said, the letter, which at the time might as well have been lined with gold, arrived a few weeks later. The HORRID place she will never shop in again” has declared the mattress “DEFECTIVE” and have authorized you to pick out a new one in the value of 506.00. What a day!!

Unfortunately the nearest store was an hour away, so on the next available weekend, she makes the trip, ALONE (2nd MISTAKE) to Halifax to choose a new bed. “Shopping for new beds is so much fun”, she thought as she strolled through the mattress dept. Finally after 5 minutes she is approached by a salesmen. Now normally she would never make such a comment on a person, but after the mess that this asshole started he deserves it. This man was a loser of enormous proportions ladies and gentlemen, and we will call this loser DAVE, cause lets face it…that’s his name. In addition to the nervous twitches and sweaty brow, he had one of the worst and most uncomfortable laughs she had ever heard. The EF’s (Embarassed For’s) were out in full force that day let me tell ya. But after a few minutes a model was chosen. She gave him her golden letter and the process began. However, there was one small glitch in the system that day that should have been a red flag, the computers were down. “Oh, don’t worry” he says, I will hold it right here, and as soon as the computers come back up, I will process the order”. YEAH RIGHT (3rd MISTAKE) But the young lady returns home, happily waiting for the call to say the bed had arrived. She told all her friends and family that soon enough, the bed would come and no more sleepless nights. NOT!!!

5 WEEKS later, after never hearing from the “HORRID place she will never shop in again” she calls the dept. Sorry they said, you will have to call the BAY Aftercare # to see about the status, and here is their number. She calls, no answer, she leaves a message. Two days pass and still no answer, she calls again. This time she talks to a pleasant young girl who very candidly says “I have no record of an order”, “sorry you are going to have to call the store”. She calls the store and speaks to the same dismissive little jackass that gave her the Aftercare number. This time she gives him more detail about the fact that she has been waiting for her bed FOREVER. This time, JACKASS decides to check the system. “ HUMMM sorry ma’am I have no record of a purchase”. Aside from the cold shivers she gets from being called ma’am, at the same moment, her little heart began to break. “WHAT” she says, no bed, no order, but Dave said that he was going to order it WEEKS AGO. Oh Dave, he says sarchastically in a tone that many other jackasses have used in the past. Dave doesn’t work here anymore, he left weeks ago, I bet he never processed it. Her heart began to break a little more. Do you know the model number he asked, nooo she replied. Well unfortunately ma’am you are going to have to come back to the store, choose your bed and we will re-order it. She tries to remain calm, but lets face it, this SUCKS. However, having no choice in the matter, she returns to the city and goes through the process again. This time she brings her mom. They meet Mr jackass face to face, and proceed to pick out, and order again. Coinsedentially, the Computer is down AGAIN so he must wait and order the bed later. Now being someone who learns from her mistakes this time the girl decides to call “Grant” AKA Jackass the following day, to confirm the order. Smart girl, you are definitely learning.

With the bed ordered, she happily goes about her days, waiting for the call to say, the bed is in. 4 weeks later, she decides to call to check on the status. Jackass answers, “hello Jackass”, she says, has my bed arrived. Oh yes, he says, it came in last week, they didn’t call you. GRRR, slight grumbling, but she says no they didn’t, I will come pick it up. The young lady, whose enthusiasm is starting to teeter on insanity, calls super-dad who will arrange to borrow a truck to drive to the city, to pick up the bed.

On a lovely fall day, the 3 (super mom, super dad, and young lady) venture to the city, in the borrowed truck. After a momentary misdirection, they find the delivery center. NO BED. The interesting looking tattooed dude calls Jackass and asks where the bed is. The bed is in the SHOWROOM. WHOOPS, I have to go and get it he says. Twenty minutes later, tattoo dude arrives with the bed. Where is the defective mattress he says? Now despite her urge to tell him, that the bed resides somewhere the sun doesn’t shine, she decides to keep her cool and play dumb. Sorry? She says. Tattooed dude tells her that the work order says that she is supposed to bring the defective mattress back to the store. Now why the jackasses, and tattooed dudes want a defective mattress…no one will ever know. This being the first she heard of this, she asks to speak to the Jackass. Jackass confirms dude’s workorder. After a long pause Jackass tells the young lady that she can take the mattress home today, but will have to bring back the defective mattress in 2 days. NOT possible she says, SCREW IT, set up the $100.00 delivery. She bites her tonge and speews no profanity.. Three days later she gets a cheerful call from the delivery place, to let he know that her bed has arrives, and she can come to pick it up. COME PICK IT UP…she repeats, while standing alone in her apartment. Just hearing the words “you can come and pick it up, sends the once calm and centered girl into a tizzy” She calls. She explains to the idiot on the other end of the phone that her bed is supposed to be delivered, not picked up. Oh says the idiot, well I don’t handle that part of it, I will have to get back to you. 2 hours later, while adopting a “take charge” attitude, the young lady, calls back, not leaving ANYTHING to chance this time. The idiot explains that they are new to this service, and there is no problem with the bed. After trying to get her to explain exactly what that means, with no success, she simply asks “is my bed arriving on Thursday or what”. I have no reason to believe otherwise, the idiot says. The girl hangs up.

A family affair that evening has the young girl recalling the entire story and basically conceeding to the fact that the bed is NEVER COMING…so move on.

Surprisingly enough, a few days later the mattress finally arrives, BUT the FULL amount of the bed is charged to her credit card, with no mention of the credit for the defective mattress. At this, she starts to see red, and is no longer going to sit idly by and let this multi billion dollar bunch of assess push her around. She writes a letter, not just any letter, a nasty one. A letter that says that she will never again shop in their store, and she is disappointed, and this will SURE show them. Needless to say, there was no response.

Finally weeks later she gets a call from a call center in Montreal. Chris, the man on the message left on her machine, says that they are ready to credit the bed to her account, and how would she like this handled. The message gives a name and a phone number. UREKA she says, it’s FINALLY happening, it’s FINALLY OVER. The saga of the fucking bed is finally over. Not so much lovely girl, you still have to call him back!

This brings us to today, the beginning of the head tingling and the realisation that this saga, may never, ever end.

While picking up the phone and dialing the number to call Chris back, she is in quite a lovely mood and looks forward to the conversation with Chris, from Montreal. She calls. The operator answers. She explains why she is calling, and the operator has NO idea what she is talking about. She explains again. Sorry this is not the correct dept, one moment and I will transfer you. New operator. She explains again. The operator has no idea what she is talking about, this is the wrong number. Keeping her patience, the young lady explains the situation AGAIN, but the lady insists that this is not the right number, and here is her supervisor. The young girl hangs up. Calls again, same number different extension, this time the lady that answers the phone indicates, that this is the correct number, but that she called TO, and really she needs to talk to Montreal. This she knew, she knew Chris was calling from Montreal but had no sweet fucking clue how to get a hold of him. Finally, after several more calls and wrong extensions she has it, she has MONTREAL and low and behold she even found CHRIS. HOWEVER, the rude French speaking lady on the other end of the phone tells her that Chris is on lunch. The girl asks if maybe the rude French speaking lady might be able to help her. She tries to explain the situation. One moment, she says, but then comes back 5 minutes later and asks for the situation again, because apparently the first time she wasn’t listening, OR REALLY doesn’t understand English. Finally after 10 minutes of explaining, the mean French woman decides that Chris should really handle this, gets the young lady’s number and proceeds to HANG UP ON HER. At this point the frustration and head tingling is at an all time high. She decides to go home for the day and let it all rest, drink a diet coke and sit on her bed. The very bed that insighted all of this misery.

The phone rings. It’s Chris. A splendid gentlemen who calls her Mrs Wagg and explains how this entire situation was such a mix up and should never happen. By the end of the conversation, the credit is applied to her Bay card, her heart begins to mend and all is right in the universe. It’s over. Slightly anti-climatic, but over nonetheless. At this point she begins to reflect on the hilarity of the situation, the blunders, the phone calls, the crying (yes crying) and understands that this was an exercise in patience my friends, in keeping your cool and hoping against hope, in believing in the power of prayer...hahah Well maybe not as dramatic as all of that, but things DO happen for a reason. Whether it is to teach us a simple lesson of patience or to shop discount bargin basement, whatever the reason I’m glad, yes I’m glad its over.

Night Night

NO Cab for you!!

2005-09-26T13:14:00.000-03:00

Is there anything funnier then a cabbie freaking out, stopping the cab short, turning it off, jumping out... and in a thick Russian accent, ordering its passengers to vacate a cab on a Sat night when everyone is hammared and there are approx 5000 drunkards strolling around the streets of Halifax. Well its definitely funnier when you KNOW the people being thrown out.

Or

Is there anything funnier then a guy running and puking, leaving a river of puke all the way from the bar out to the street, well perhaps a friend putting his arm IN sed puke at the original site of the puke, or the trail of friends, folllowing the puker laughing hysterically and cheering him on.

Either way, both are pretty FUCKING funny!

Peace

Speed Quarters (I mean loonies) and Such!!

2005-09-20T16:44:00.000-03:00

Things I can remember from the trip to Beantown.

1) Flying sucks, no matter which way you try to spin it…38, 000 feet in the air without a parachute or net just seems like insanity to me.

2)Pilots are HOT

3) Shopping in the states is INSANE. No fucking wonder all the celebs look great, if someone sent me half that stuff (and some botox) I would look that good too

4) Filene's Basement is pretty much my "mother ship"

5) A bar called the Big Easy is DEFINATELY going to be a meat market!

6) Walking/dancin for hours in brand new boots..NOT a good idea

7) Amy Oickle is faster then the FLASH when she is trying to catch a cab!

8) My debate skills need some fucking work..OR perhaps drink less beer

9) I SUCK at picking up! And LOOK Hideous after the bar!!

10) 2 hours sleep is not enough to keep me sain and happy

11) In terms of fucking SEXY accents, Boston is second only to the Aussie's

12) Subways give you black boogies

13) I can drive like an Aundretti when trying to retrieve precious travel documents before a flight

14) The after effects from an INTENSE trip stay with you for a few days, so basically I will get NO work done this week!!!

And Finally!! ELTON JOHN IS ONE FABULOUS GAY MAN WITH THE ENERGY OF SOMEONE 1/3 HIS AGE

Peace Out

What we found at the end of the Rainbow!

2005-08-29T15:26:00.000-03:00

I am definitely ALL ABOUT a road trip.
Especially those that include the following;

Drive-In Movies, what could be better then parking in front of a GIANT screen, sitting in comfort with feet on the dash, snuggled in a blanket, no loud idiots that talk through the previews (except those that were invited..KIDDING), eating like a pig with no one to see you, yelling at the screen without getting kicked out, AHAHHH I could go on for hours.

Theme/amusement parks - especially those aimed at 8-9 year olds. Just knowing that all the little kids are looking at the 2 hysterically laughing retards on the rollercoaster and thinking WOW I just hope I am THAT cool some day is enough to make it fun. And PLUS, screw the little kids…they don't get to hog all the ice creamy treats and trolley rides!

-THE Beach. - I am a sun lover, I am a beach lover, I am a water lover, I LOVE to relax, I am however NOT a BUG lover, and I would like to say a quick shout out and FUCK YOU to all the bugs that got squashed in the making of this road trip

- Drinking/Eating - All road trips must include a certain snippet dedicated to guilt free Gluttony..I am also the master of this task.

- Late night drunken chats with the girls (that includes jumping and doing flips on the bed) - This age old tradition dates back to the slumber days of Yore. Many a sexual tip, past experience, and gem of a story is bound to be revealed.

Gas -100.00, food 150.00, entertainment 50.00 - loads of laughs, the sight of Amy flying/SCREAMING down a waterslide, and fantastic Friends - PRICELESS!!!

Workplace Occupational Health and Safety

2005-08-18T14:41:00.000-03:00

As an employee of the both the federal and provincial governments at one time or another I have seen first hand the nit-pickings of occupantional health and safety. Such as, dont leave your stapler on your desk in case some crazed lunatic decides to bash you over the head with it, and of course a personal fave of mine has been the no scent policy. I can see, no perfumes, because i am the first to get that clogging post anal (i mean nasal)drip from such offensive scents as Red Door, Tommy Girl etc etc. But where i have my beef is in the arse holes who cry abuse when somebody wears deodorant. Sorry peeps, but if don't wear my much loved Dove Baby Powder scented I could potentially smell like a Teen Burger with extra onions (AKA old man B.O)...So I am rambling, but to get my point across this long-winded pre-amble is necessary to set the scene.

So most government offices have a no scents policy for employees and the public (although I am not sure how many members of the public adhere to this)and those fellow employees who cant tolerate scents are the first to cry OHS committee send out an email please to remind everyone of not wearing perfume. So what I want to know is WHO is looking out for me, the lowly Service Delivey Assistant. Who is there to ensure that I am not placed in harms way of scents. I cannot wear perfume or scented products although occassionally I do and I wont apoligize for my Palmer's coco butter lotion or my deodorant.

But here I am on the front end and I deal with daily a constant barrage of scents...most I can assure you are not the pleasant kind. I am forced daily to smell the rotten body odor of dirty old men who take their weekly bath and refuse to change their clothes or put on deodorant on a daily basis, the fat women who smell like they have sweated pork rinds through their old nappy panties and the people who apparently dont know what dental hygiene is. These scents stick in my nose like glue. I have actually almost thrown up from the scent of stale cigarettes which are by far the worst stink culprits and stinky BO has just today given me a runny nose.

So I ask all of you fellow people who wash...how do i go about this? Should I put up a sign that instead of "no shoes, no shirt, no service"...says,"you smell like shit, no service" or "no shower, not fresh, no service". And can I conceivably refuse to serve somebody who stinks by claiming it is a workplace safety issue?

AVON- have you lost your mind????

2005-08-03T11:01:00.000-03:00

I just had to comment on the most recent issue of the avon catalogue that someone just handed me.

Ok ladies get your checkbooks ready!!!

"get a tighter tummy and lifted buttocks in just 4 weeks"

Some of the other highlights from the ad -

Lift and Tuck professional body perfection....
Reduces JIGGLE
Reduces SAGGING
By week 4 you should have 79 % firmer abdominal skin and 82% lifted buttocks.

I am almost speechless...but I guess I just wonder how, and who performed the study that confirmed that your buttocks are 82% higher. Here is how I imagine "Mr' Buttocks lifter" dude telling his wife about his day at work

Mr Bottocks lifter - Hi honey
Wife - Hi sweetums, how was your day?
Mr Bottocks lifter - great!!! Suisies ASS is already 50% higher and 3rd quarter projections indicate that we may reach 60% or even 70% by the Christmas Catalogue
Wife - that's great dear, meatloaf for dinner??

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Multi-Tasking

2005-08-02T13:22:00.000-03:00

I believe it to be a well established fact (at least in my mind) that woman are much better at multi-tasking then men. Case in point. ME. Now I don't wanna toot my own horn…but baby move over cause ... toot TOOT!! Here are all of the things I have noticed I can to accomplish in an 8.5 hour work day.

First, I arrive at work at approximately 8:05 (5 minutes late virtually EVERY day), drink my morning coffee while leisurely surfing my e-mail, at around 9 am I decide to get to work. For the rest of the day I manage to fit in a variety of work like tasks, pretty much all my own and sometimes that of other people, looking up recipes for delicious new foods and other Martha/Oprah like ideas, on line shopping - including some of my favourites like sears.ca, ebay.ca, ikea.ca, etc, researching conspiracy theories, checking the weather multiple times , checking my banking information multiple times AND paying bills, e-mailing a co-worker that works less then 10 feet away about 50-100 times a day, talk to my sister in law at least 100-200 times a day, and on days when she doesn't work, talking to Amy 100-200 times a day, multiple (and I DO mean multiple) trips to the BR cause I DO drink the recommended 8-10 glasses of water a day (PLUS coffee), checking every blog I can think of, checking the BB6 site every hour to see what those crazy house guests are up to now, and chatting with my beloved NUTTY co-workers every time I get up (the latest gossip being that of a potential affair, a divorce, possible suicide, and that was all last Tuesday) I also fit in a lunch break, and 2 fifteen minute breaks.

I personally think that I should be paid much more then my counterparts, I mean come on…anyone with that amount of useless shit happening in their life definitely deserves some sort of compensation.

Now aren't you glad I just told you where some of your tax dollars are going….

J

Real or Robot? The many faces of Tom "no penis" Cruise.

2005-07-11T12:12:00.000-03:00

Given that TomKat is so much in the news it necessary to give a brief overview of my "conspiracy theory". The circus surrounding these individuals is quite distressing for those of us who are loyal fans of Katie "should have been Klein" Holmes.

Whilst debating the TomKat phenom, the "5 year, 5 Mil" theory was brought up...basically she marries him for 5 years, no sex, adopts babies and gets 5 mil at the end. Theory being that he can't "perform" and needs to keep up appearances.

I however disagree.

Impotence aside..if he was actually impotent he could afford a pricey penile implant…the are basically little tubes that go in your pecker and you can squeeze your sack to inflate them when the mood strikes.

More likely is that he does not have a penis at all..because the REAL tom has been abducted by aliens..sometime after Risky Busines was filmed..he was spirited away on a flying ship and taken to planet Xweon (pronounced: Zwee-clucking sound- Eon)..run by scientologists…(L.Ron Hubbard is actually Xweon god and came to Earth to preach the Tenets of Scientology and turn us all into fanatical doctor hating alien lovers)..they took Tom because he is so very beatufiul and wanted to create a race line with his DNA
and replaced him with a body double to do the dirty work on Earth….

.....Except he/it/body double doesn't have a penis…kind of like in Dogma (he most likely resemebles the "Ken" doll of the mid 80's, just a round hump)…so he can't have sex (hence the impotence theory).. in turn thats why he brainswashes his women…so they will stay with him…lack of penis and all…..The Scientologist are plotting to take over the world…and think about it…there is no greater plan than to start in Hollywood….the entire world follows Entertainment tonight, US weekly, Star, People..etc etc…it is the most diabolical of plans and likely to work..... War of the World's my ass....there's a new terrorist in town and we read it in the checkout aisle!

Thirty, Flirty and Fabulous

2005-07-07T08:41:00.000-03:00

Today I started thinking about all the things that would change in my life when I turn 30 (next year). Why on July 7, 2005, I can't answer that. Sometimes a girls mind just wanders.

I have heard rumours that life is much less confusing in your 30's, according to Oprah who IS my personal saviour; she became much clearer on her direction in life, why she was here and what she wanted to do. So I can only assume that my life will take the same miraculous turn.

I will be in the "mature woman’s club" so people at work will no longer be able to call me "kid" and assume that I know NOTHING cause I am just in my 20's. So I will join the bitterness coffee group, and start bitching about anything and everything.

I can only assume that in the first year of being 30, I will meet a gorgeous "hunk", settle down, buy a house with a 2 car garage and a white picket fence, get a HUGE mortgage, have the wedding of my dreams, and become pregnant with twins, and spend the next year changing diapers, cleaning up spit up, and sleep deprived.

Get that body that I always wanted…the Pilates craze will finally take effect and my body will start to morph into something that looks more like J-Lo and Less like Janine Garofalo.

Shortly after my 35th birthday, the Desperate Housewife club that I have been dying to be a part of will finally have an opening. I will start sexy poll dancing, wearing low cut shirts and Daisy Dukes, and become empowered about my fabulous NEW 30 something body!

Finally, I will start to long for the days when I could sleep till 10, watch TV alone, clean when I damn well feel like it, and sleep sideways on my HUGE queen size bed ( which was MUCH bigger when there was only one person in it)

WOW your 30's are DEFINITELY better then your 20's. And just think, in only 10 more years I can have a midlife crisis and start having affairs with 20 something’s…How old will Ashton be then?????

30 and Fabulous?

Footnote - Thirty Flirty and Fabulous - (13 going on 13)
30 and Fabulous? - (Sex in the City)

DFT's (Dumb F@cking Tourists)

2005-07-02T16:48:00.000-03:00

Ok, so here’s my beef...since when did people LITERALLY begin checking their brains along with their luggage at the airport ticket counters? Now, I’m not saying we don’t all do it, we go on vacation and our level of stupidity increases substantially however, recently I’m noticing tourists are so incredibly dumb..it’s worth commenting on. Having been able to grow up in the tourism industry I’ve witnessed first hand the progression of stupidity but I have to say, this year the level has reached an all time high. I’ll provide you with just a SAMPLE of what I encountered just THIS MORNING!

1) No, I’m sorry Sir, I do not know exactly how many bees are on P.E.I. (Our annual bee count survey has yet to be completed ...give me a week and I’ll get back to you....SHIT HEAD...you would be SHOCKED to know how many times I’ve been asked this question)
2) No, you can not use the room key as a diving toy in the pool....why you ask, well it could get caught in the filter and clog up the system, shutting down the pool for the next two weeks..
3) Kids, you can not use the balcony as your race track, if you feel the need to run, please do so on the PLAYGROUND...not 15 feet in the air.
4) No the pillows are NOT complimentary.
5) No I do not know Anne of GG personally. Anne is not a real person, she is a fictional character created by LM Montgomery.
6) Yes Ma’am, I’ll be sure to send your SUITCASE back to you at your current address....No, don’t feel stupid...lots of people forget EVERYTHING THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM ON VACATION and need to have it mailed back. (Personal Fav)
7) No you can not use the bedspread as a beach blanket.

Ma sistas - If you office is like a soap opera, puts your hands in the air and say WHOOP WHOOP!!!

2005-06-29T11:00:00.000-03:00

In today’s episode, the office flirt/drama queen makes further embarrassing gestures towards the office manager/virgin. The office villain engages is further acts of treachery towards the couple and plots their demise. Tune in next week when the villain prepares to expose the truth on the relationship and send them both packing. Or shoot them whichever comes first.

For all the single ladies out there

2005-06-15T20:32:00.000-03:00

While spanking the dog at work I felt a need to help all your single ladies out, well actually it started with a compulsive need to set up my fellow "fucking the dog at work" sista-in-law up with a creepy redneck and then from the fall out from that fiasco I developed this dating questionnaire/application…given the dangerous dating climate these days, women need to take charge of our/your dating destinies and ensure that eny potential date you may have has what you're looking for. Why waste time getting to know somebody when you can have a comprehensive pre-assessment to weed out the dick heads. This method is by no means fool proof but will help you determine which men could get a potential call back and which men to pawn off on your skanky friends....

Application for a date with ...(insert name here).

1. Name (please include any alias' and nicknames)

2. DOB (must be between the ages of 20 and 40)

3. Address - (*please note that if this matches the address of applicants' parents, proceed to appendix A)

4. Occupation: (please attach resume and any relevant designations)
(a.) if you have LLB, MD, CGA beside please fast track to end of application.

5. Education:
(a)if no highschool diploma do not continue application
(b) if you have difficulty reading/comprehending this application please do not continue.

6. Assets: please list yearly salary, any liquid or real assets.

7.Hobbie/Intereests : please provide a detailed listing of any hobbies or interests you may have. For example, sports, leisure, favourite hangouts.

8. Family: please list number of siblings, names, ages and birth order, parents marital status. If either parent has had affairs.

9. Past Relationships: please list any significant past relationships; names, dates, duration of relationship and sexual compatibility. Please note that if the same name appears in both question 7 and 8 this application is immediately null and void (and you should probably seek professional help).

10. Virgin: yes or no

11. Any current or present STD's

12. Any sexual preferences or perversions: please list likes and dislikes.

13. Please list:
A. favourite clothing store
B. favourite restaurant
C.favourite band
D. favourite movie
E. favourite drink
F.favourite food
G. Favourite TV show

14. What makes you laugh the hardest.

15. What are you looking for in a partner, do you want children, do you want to be married.

Appendix A:
1.what is your reason for living with your parents
2. are you exceptionally close to your mother
3. does she do your laundry and clean your room
4. are you otherwise financially independent
5. do you have your own room, or do you live in the basement

Thank you for completing this application for a date with (your name here). If you do not receive a response, do not call, do not write and do not approach me on the street.

Making a Federal Case

2005-06-06T15:15:00.000-03:00

Have you ever encountered an individual who insists on making a federal case out of just about everything? Fuck I have.

I think that when I was younger I was more inclined to fight and argue over the littlest thing just for the sake of it, but now at the ripe old age of 29 I really don't feel the need to go rip roaring around the place spouting off because the fucking Tims cups and plastic tops are not separated and placed in the correct recycling bucket. I just can't seem to grasp the constant need for drama, I mean it must be exhausting, who has the time and the energy to blab that much.

Here are some things I think Federal Casers should do instead of giving me a migrane;

1) Plant some flowers. - god knows they make the word a better place, and if I am lucky they might get stung by a bee…there's carma for you

2) Go play in traffic - my mom used to say that to me all the time when I was little and getting "under her feet" and I think it could be fun for them, just like frogger. And if they happen to get squashed, all the better.

3) Go to Blazes! - Another one of my moms favorite sayings. Blazes sounds like a fun and some what hot destination. So either they get a massive sunburn, peel and blister, or burst in to flames. Either way, I'm fine with it!

4) Just Beat-It! -This could either mean "Get the fuck out of here real fast cause I am going to pummel you" OR a Flashback to old MJ days, and we know what he likes to do to people, so either way..again…I am happy cause…EWWWWWW

And Finally

5) Eat Shit, And Die Motha fucka - pretty much self explanatory I think.

Reality TV Withdrawl

2005-06-01T20:59:00.000-03:00

You know that saying "I think, therefore I am", well in my case its more like " I watch TV therfore I am" . That's right people. Pathetic, but true. I am generally addicted, and darn proud to say it.. to my 8-10 primetime emmy award winning time slot every evening. But as we know, all good things must come to an end.

So here summer looms, and hollywood decides to take their usual 15-20 week vacation to rest up from the constant drama and angst they are forced to endure every week. Primetime is Fresh out of "fresh" new episodes, and in their place I find repeats, strange TV mini series, and YES Dare I say it ...Canadian Idol.

I understand that Seth, Ryan, Brooke, Nathan, Peyton, Rory and the bevy of other TV hotties, deserve a much needed break to make the odd movie, or perhaps run with the Bulls in Pamplona, but I just can't seem to help this feeling of emptyness and longing. You fill a bizzaire yet entertaining part of my gloomy paper pusing days, and I truely miss you.

So basically here I sit....just me, and big bad Benny M, for the next 8 weeks. Can I take it?? Tune in next week to find out.

On another note. Boys with wierd fucking redneck accents BUG me. Especially the ones that call all the fucking time. I will never again approach, call, or bother another guy that's "just not that in to me", cause now I see it, I get it....its annoying...so STOP it!

J.

Appreciate Your Friends

2005-05-24T17:26:00.000-03:00

Less than funny today Ladies....but just a reminder. Keep in touch with your friends. Friends come and go but never be too busy to drop them a line once in a while. A friend of mine passed away this weekend whom I have spoke to in over a year simply because I have been too busy and so has he. Sappy moment now, but I just wanted to touch base with yas and let ya know I am thinking of you even when I forget to call.....

What's that saying - Better late then never?

2005-05-13T09:39:00.000-03:00

Just a quick re-cap of the 80’s party shenanigans from last weekend. A big thanks to princess consuala banana hammock Oickle for being born in pretty much the best decade to date. These are a few of my favorite things…….

Getting dressed up like a complete ass suits most of us pretty damn well, and boy did we go all out. Hot boys (and you know who you are) hidden under hideous sideburns are still damn hot, boys names Booger certainly live up to their reputations by nights end, Big Rapper Boyfriends with clocks around their necks make me laugh like a school girl, brothers with wicked tight shorts are a little icky BUT the humor is not lost on me, side ponytails are a lost art, Michael Jackson might be a child molester but the dude could lay down a kick ass track, my ass looks HUGE in tight short 80’s pants, canvass shoes sure were cool, no matter what the song, stepping side to side on the dance floor STILL looks like you have killer dance moves, Fuck I love John Bon jovi, and finally Miss Amy, you were the bell of the ball!

Same time, same place, same crazy shoes next year!
I don't know how to post pics, so someone else will have to do the honors.
J

Happy Birthday Amy!!!

2005-05-03T09:33:00.000-03:00

Just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite Amy Oickle....the big 24.
Hope you have a wonderful day, and we'll celebrate it properly this weekend.
Make sure you have your dancing shoes on....it's gonna be wild.

Happy B-day Firefly..
Love Ya

Issues with the OC

2005-05-02T11:09:00.000-03:00

Ok...Chewy and I have had some great discussions about the direction that this wonderful televison program has taken this season, and I would like to share some of my concerns and thoughts about it...so here we go:

1. SUMMER, what happened to the super self absorbed girl I used to know and love?! Because the Summer I know, would be ALL FOR a comic book in which she was the star, and had the potential for movies, tv-show, action figures....not only would she be supportive of something like that, but she would be DEMANDING it. But now.....we have whiny, totally unrealistic, sucky girlfriend Summer. Besides the fact of supporting a comic that would be all about her, Summer obviously likes Seth enough to go out with this supposed "loser", then break up with Zack to be with Seth instead of going to Europe....so you would THINK she liked him enough to supportive of basically Seth's dream of making his own comic book, not to mention a career that would make him MORE rich.....and the Summer I know, is a fan of that.

2. ZACK AND SUMMER...what the fuck. Mr. Nice Guy is no longer playing his role either! Trying to steal Summer back like that. That guy probably doesn't even care about the comic but is pushing it so much because he wants Seth to get super involved with it to make Summer mad (see #1 for my comments on that whole thing) so he can get her back. Well news flash Zack Attack, she ditched you at the airport RIGHT before your trip to Europe to go be with another guy who she was constantly talking and worrying about during your whole stupid relationship....you don't WANT that back. And if you get it....here's hopin the old Summer returns and crushes your little Ambercombie heart!

3. MARISSA....ok...this will be a long one. Who the hell goes to bed one night as raging alcoholic and wakes up the next morning as a lesbian....and as Chewy pointed out, a pretty weak one at that. A few kissey scenes....big friggin deal....don't bring that shit around here unless you got some heavy petting, some clothes being removed, or at least some tongue!! And Alex, she was a nice girl until that one episode where she freaked out at Ryan and turned all psycho....that was weird. And what made Marissa turn all not druggy/alky all of a sudden? Was it her new love affiar with Alex, and then getting involved with Ryan again, so basically she just can't be alone or she'll drink herself to death....well Marissa, if I had to be alone in that skin too, I'd be tempted to have a beer or two. Or was it that night she almost killed Lindsay by getting her so drunk she wanted to go swimming......(which I think she should have at least been in the water, that had more drama potential than was explored) and then Ryan yelled at her, did that make her realize she was in a dark place and want to become Miss. Change the World with one Atwood at a time? Anyawy, they deffinitely needed some more explaination around these jumps from alcoholic to lesbian, to the perfect princess.

4. SANDY AND KIRSTEN.....all I can say there is, at least they made it even. When Sandy was all about that X-girlfriend of his.....I was not impressed...UNTIL he only kissed her and sent her away while he realized how much he loved Kirsten.....touching stuff. But then Kirsten sees this random guy at work and gets all horned up.....and I thought FOR SURE they were gonna do it....and I was going to have to hate her, because Sandy only kissed that other girl and now he's back to being a perfect husband, and she's going around fornicating with guys at work!? But,in the end she offered just a goodbye kiss, same as Sandy, and all is right with the world again. EXCEPT....Sandy is apparently the only lawyer in the OC....and all of a sudden all of his awesome parenting skills are replaced with "I'll go make a call".......thats how he deals with everything "I'll go make a call"....who the hell is he calling??!

5. TREY.....so any girl shows you a bit of attention and you RAPE them....yeah, no wonder you were in jail. Who really wanted that hottie to be as good as everyone thought he was.....because I did! Now that he pulled the whole attempted rape on Marissa thing, that's going to put some strain on that whole relationship....not to mention how Ryan's gonna friggin flip out when he finds out. It's that damn blow......gets ya everytime. I just can't understand how when you have people like that, rich people...doing EVERYTHING for you to help you get a life, you STILL fuck it up....seriously, everything was done for him, they helped him get clothes, a bitchin bachelor pad that used to be lived in by lesbians, a job.....hello, they even threw him a b'day party! All he had to do was just simply exist......do his job, come home and play with his new firends.....but no, he almost kills a girl, steals Tom Cruise's egg, buys drugs (because we all know now that he was NOT helpin a homeless guy...the ass can't even help himself), and then tries to rape his brothers girlfriend. Trey, write yourself off as a screw up becuase seriously if you can't make that work without fuckin it up so much, you don't stand a chance!

6. RYAN.....knows way more than people give him credit for. He basically sees people fuckin stuff up on a dialy basis and from time to time tries to step in and be like "hey, you do this, you're fuckin up" and most of the time no one listens to him, and what do they do, fuck stuff up. Chewy made the excellent point that apparently everyone forgot about the last season when Ryan knew what creepy Oliver was all about and NO one believed him, not Seth (his BFF and brother!), not Marissa, his girlfriend....no one. And what happened, yeah, he was right, big surprise. And then when Trey comes back into town, Ryan's all like "look, he's gonna fuck this up, just leave him alone, I want to keep my happy life and he's just gonna fuckit up", NO ONE LISTENED TO HIM......Ryan, all he should have had to say was "remember that time Crazy Oliver was around and no one believed me about him, and remember what happened there......and remember Seth when you said you'd be on my side no matter what from now on"......he should be playing that card A LOT more. He tried to tell them, but once again, no one listend to Ryan and now Trey is raping his girlfriend.....that's awesome. Ryan needs to go find another rich family to take him in, one that BELIEVES him and actually LISTENS to the words that come out of his mouth.

7. SETH...my personal favorite. GROW SOME BALLS.....and maybe some brains too, becuase Seth, is one of the stupidest guys ever. I'm pretty sure that after losing Summer by taking off in his boat for the summer, then actually getting her back....would have taught him a bit of a lesson, so that if a hot girl wanted him to lick whipped cream off of her, for a televised event...a bell or whistle of some sort would have rang out in his head saying "no......if you do this, Summer is going to be super pissed and you may not get her back this time...." but Seth lacks this internal alarm system apparently. He has to know when to pick his battles....becuase his girlfriend not being supportive of a life long dream....and why, because the one who is going to publish the comic book is a girl....wow, stupid......he needs to speak up about that one! Why can't Seth be smart enough to say (in his own witty words) to Summer that she's being pyscho and he really just wants her to be supportive and interested in his work like she was before Zack ruined it....and take part in this big stuff going on his life. Basically Seth just has to stop being STUPID.

8. THERSA....i hate her. And I know that it is just a matter of time before that crazy ho comes back into the picture to ruin everything....AGAIN....becuase that's what she does, she ruins stuff. And my question is....Ryan cared enough about this girl to move back home to the friggin ghetto and live with her and take care of her as if she was carrying HIS baby (because that one episode they were doin it, I'm sure that's what knocked her up...not the guy she was living with and planning to marry.....I'm sure they never had sex)...and yet he doesn't care about her enough to call her and see how she's making out, how she's doing after just "losing" her baby?! Basically it was just pitty care before, and now that he's free....or at least thinks he is....he has nothing to do with her. Maybe she'll get that hint and just NEVER come back.....but yet I doubt that and am bracing myself for the big appearance in the next few weeks.

Ok...well I guess that's all I have for now....I know it was long....but if you managed to read it all, I welcome others comments and insights into this social phenomon. Chewy...I know you have some.

Some Important Congratulation Notices:

2005-04-22T19:40:00.000-03:00

Just want to spread the word of congratulations to two special ladies (in no particular order):

ED, who is now an Aunty to a little niece (neice?).....I hope the hemrrhoids weren't as severe this time around.

and to the Cool Cat for FINALLY getting the longly anticipated phone call from the Mount!! I friggin told you so!

and what the hell....congratulations to me for the now realistic possibility of getting to live with roommates again! because seriously....it IS all about me....right??

In the Headlines

2005-04-20T16:51:00.000-03:00

.....

Cookie Monster is choosing healthier, and eating in moderation. What happened cookie, don't fit into that swim suit anymore, the cellulite starting to get the better of ya?? Bummer..oh well, happens to the best of us.

Is is wrong to purchase the time of another human being? If it's voluntary I mean. If it's against the law to charge for sex, why is it legal to buy a date? Case in point, the Bachelor auction I am attending on the weekend. How is it that we find this practice socially acceptable, are these men prostituting themselves? Never fear law abiding citizens, I plan to investigate fully.

New reason to take lunch at 1pm….The Daily Show….nuff said

Clay Aiken was bullied as a child. Well quelle sur-fucking-prise

When did Oprah get abs??

Spring time smells like POO…(that's nothing new, I just like to say the word POO)

And finally, its 22 degrees and they are predicting snow. Mediorogically speaking( Yes I know I can't spell) shouldn't someone fucking investigate this.....Either the weather man has been smoking a lot of the "grass" or this could be a problem.
J

And Then There Were 2.....

2005-04-17T15:13:00.000-03:00

It has come to that sad sad time of the year again....where people sift through endless piles of collected junk they have accumulated over the past 8 months....stuff things into boxes and bags....load up cars and trucks by the load and head for home for the summer months. This currently taking place at our humble abode....and it is a sad sad time. Watching her dismantle her room and take away vital furniture, such as the kitchen table for example.....my thoughts are brought back to some of the memories of the past year.......and for your enjoying pleasure, here are just a FEW:

* Chasing Kelly down the hall as she yells and screams
* Erin's uncontrolable flatulence, Amy's uncontrolable 'verping', and Kelly's crazy mixture of it all
* Endless bowls of popcorn with dill pickle seasoning
* The excitement of a certain roomy winning a trip to The Vegas
* OC, ER, Survivor Thursdays, and DH Sundays
* Our 'witchey' moment from the Craft, walking down snow filled streets in bitch boots and snow pants
* Snowstorm adventures of all varieties
* Birtday parties (fake and real ones) and Stagette parties
* Last minute road trips to the B'wat
* Lois and her so very accurate predictions of our futures
* Drug induced states....which were fun...yet I can't seem to remember any story in particular
* "squeezing until you pee"....which really goes hand in hand with dribbling in your panties...if you're wearing any
* Nights at the Alehouse
* Special OTH screenings in the Red Room
* Dance parties in the living room....hallways....kitchen.....bedrooms....
* The spooky basement
* Trips the recycle depot
* Monday night basketball games
* The long periods of time without showers....oh wait...that was just me....
* Mickey the mouse in our house......
* Setting off the smoke detector every other day...
* That time I was ON FIRE......
* Heather's tactfulness when it comes to recyclebles and garbage
* Pizza and GF.....any time
* The Fitness Phenom

And every single day and night I laughed my ass off and lost my sanity with you ladies.....wish we had another year to go......my fingers are still crossed!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you both.....

80's PARTY!!!

2005-04-15T14:30:00.000-03:00

ok Folks......it's finally official! The highly anticipated 80's birthday bash is ON. May 7th...in B'wat....be there, or like, be square! There will be no enterance to the party unless you are fully living in the 80's.....that means proper 80's attire! There will be lots of your favorite 80's tunes, and cheap drinks....and MUCH more!!!! Look for your invite in your email inbox....if you don't have one, I don't like you......haha....or there is the possibility I just didn't have your email address.....or I don't like you........
Hope to see all you Valley Girls, Preppies, and New Kids on the Block fans out on May 7th....sure to be a totally wicked awesome rad time!
P.S. stay tuned for more information about local bbqs/boozing taking place earlier that day

Viewer discretion is advised.

2005-04-14T18:40:00.000-03:00

To the asshole who decided to RAM his door into my car and leave a HUGE MASSIVE dent, not to mention RED paint on my BLUE car........FUCK YOU!!! If you dent a car that much you NEED to leave a note apologising. PLUS...you were parked in a NO PARKING ZONE....shit head. My wish for you is that some kid decides to key your car. There I said it!

2005-04-02T17:53:00.000-04:00

We had a crazy night at the Alehouse last night. Between fake birthdays, a lot of vodka and wine, living room dance parties and photo sessions, band members from Hickman St., whores and pizza......there were some awesome times. So what time are we goin out tonight ladies????

To Tan or Not To Tan

2005-03-31T13:52:00.000-04:00

To all my Pasty, pale counterparts and toasty, tanned rivals:

What is this whole tanning buisiness about anyway. For any of you who do not know me, I have many a time been referred to such things as Casper or in the freckle season, Orphan Annie or Anne of Green Gables. Planning for my first trip down south at the end of April, I have taken it upon myself to do as everyone else and get a good base to help prevent (or rather limit) the tomato features I will don after one day in the sun. Last evening, Amy and I thought why not avoid the horrors of studying and go tanning. Well! We went to 6 places...or was it 7 trying to find a place to toast. All the places were jam packed with people, closed, or were coin-operated and too sketchy to lay my white ass down. What is with everyone tanning?!! Are there that many people going down south like me? Now I fully agree that having a little color is nicer than glowing in the dark but is it really THAT important? I don't pay a lot of attention to the whole skin cancer arguement or anything but I really find it bizarre that tanning has become as second-nature as showering (unless you are Amy). My last point to make (if I even made any above...it's really just a rant), is that I also feel like people stare at you in tanniong salons if you are pale and freckly like you should be there yet they'r skin is so leathery that it makes me wonder why they are there. My question to all of you is:

Why do we tan at the tanning salons?
a) because everyone else is doing it
b) because it looks great
c) because the thought of putting our naked bodies where someone else's has been is soooo rebelious
d) because you need a base before going into natural UV rays
e) what? tan? only with 45 SPF!

I got a feva....and the only cure....is.....more ELTON!

2005-03-22T23:14:00.000-04:00

Well....I have been bitten by the Elton bug!!!! Seeing him once in Vegas is NOT ENOUGH....I need MORE!! Although this trip will lack free hotel, free AWESOME tickets, free spending money, big shiny lights and a lot of casinos....not to mention one large man who occupies that special place in my heart (and pants!).............let a few ladies loose in Bean Town with some Elton John tickets and mayhem is sure to follow!!!!! So pack your bags....because on Sept. 16th we're goin to Boston to see Elton John live at the Fleet Center!!!

Question...

2005-03-20T22:25:00.000-04:00

How does ABC expect me to become dangerously obsessed with Desperate Housewives when they only have a new episode ONCE a month????? Pisses me off.

Side note...since when did being ‘little’ (I prefer the term PETITE) become a bad thing? Someone told me I was so little and said it with a PITY tone. At least if you are petite, chances are pretty good you don’t have canoes for feet!! And if you do...god help you.

Shawn Makes Us Proud!!

2005-03-18T18:38:00.000-04:00

I know it’s a little late and Amy already mentioned it, but I’d like to congratulate Shawn and his team on their TREMENDOUS accomplishments at the Brier... I was out of the country and it’s the first opportunity I’ve had to post.
They represented Nova Scotia with such grace and class. I have no doubt if they keep up the hard work and dedication, we’ll be watching them at the Olympics.
Way to go Shawnita...and the “Best Cheering/Blue Nose Get Up” award goes to my One.

CIS

2005-03-17T15:33:00.000-04:00

Everyones favorite weekend is upon us....CIS Final 10 Men's Basketball Championship. It's shaping up to be another classically entertaining time with my 3 favorite B's in full force: Basektball, Boys, and Booze...in no particular order. Hope everyone is ready to CIS it up....check the Girls Don't Poop Blog for weekend updates.....

Experimentaion

2005-03-15T16:42:00.000-04:00

Wow I feel like it has been forever since I posted, perhaps its because I haven't been feeling very amusing lately...BUT the icky feeling has passed .....

The passing of the icky feeling is in large part do to the constant hilarity passed through the gov't e-mail portal and coming from my dear sista in law....thanks for the "what if I married him" convo, and especially all the pervy comments about our fearless leaders...I am especially fond of this thought "when you sleep with someone, you are actually sleeping with everyone they slept with" so give that one a think or two people...the circular connection can actually cause you to go crosseyed!

Oh also, I have discovered a new cutie at the gym. I will now begin an experiment/mission that has takes many trials to perfect. 1) how long will it actually take me to speak to him, 2) start polite meaningless gym conversations about how smelly or hot it is in here, and 3) and dare I say it.....ask me out.

Now keep in mind that a discovery of girlfriend or wife will cause an immediate ABORT of this mission.

Peace out!

2005-03-09T20:23:00.000-04:00

Just want to give a congratulations to Shawn for the fantastic job he is doing at the Brier....and to Kate who I can only imagine is cheering the loudest over there in Edmonton!! We're all watching back here in the NS and wishing you the bestest of luck for the games to come.

2005-03-09T20:05:00.000-04:00

Just a shout out to J-Dub on her birfday....it's a celebration btiches!!! Wish I could have been there to indulge in the celebration.....but we'll have to go out for some fun times in the near future! I hope you have a good one and eat LOTS of cake! Love ya,

Dreadfull Events!

2005-03-04T11:16:00.000-04:00

Although 99.9% of the time, the purpose of our blog is to rant, share silly comments and enjoy ourselves. Today I feel responsible as a Canadian and a human being, to take a moment to reflect and pay tribute to the 4 slain RCMP officers in Alberta. For me this is a something that hits very close to come with Dad who is retired RCMP, and a brother who serves on a Metro police force. Over the next few days as sketchy accounts of the events are reported I think I will continue to endure knots in my stomach and a hatred for all things criminal.

I can't begin to imagine the pain an anguish felt by the families of these young officers, one of whom is reported to be 29 years of age and serving at his first post for only 3 weeks. I wish strength for the members left behind in their detachments that will go on serving their country and communities with pride while having to walk by empty cubicles and foot lockers.

The entire countries eyes will be on this small community for a few weeks, but the lasting effects on their families, partners, and comrads will last a lifetime.

2005-03-01T00:41:00.000-04:00

Ok....so I have SO much to tell about my trip...but it is now late and I'm tired, so I will make a more detailed post...possibly even more than one, at a later time. For now I wanted to share with you the top 10 things I learned about Marcus while we were in Vegas:

10. When it comes to a good buffett, he's got NOTHIN on me....

9. When I'm reading something, and he says "lemme see that for a second"....DO NOT let him see it...because what he really means is "you're now done with that because I'm sensing what you are looking at is interesting and now I want to look at it because I'm sure I can interpret it's contents much better than you".

8. He's not too shabby at 3 card poker

7. I tend to get cranky when he's winning a lot and I'm losing a lot and he doesn't "share" his money with me (and by share...I mean buy me what I want)....ok, so that was something I learned about me...but whatever.

6. He's a big man....but when he's late for a connecting flight, he can break world records....with a stuffed backpack on his back, and pushing a cart with two suitcases weighing over 20kg....deceivingly quick....

5. He leaves his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor of fancy hotels JUST to see what the maid will do with them (p.s.....they actually pick them up and fold them)

4. As good as he is at 3 card poker....not so good at backgammon....I took him 5 games to 1

3. That man enjoys watching a homosexual, flamboyant, drama queen,dazzle the ivories of a red piano just as much as I do....almost

2. He says the phrase "can you put this in your purse" way too often....and I end up carrying all his shit around with me all day

and the number one thing I learned about Marcus while in Vegas.....

1. When you're sick as a dog, have a killer toothache, you've been up for over 36 hours straight, and you just missed your flight home......there is NO one else you want to be stranded with at an airport (xoxox)

Singles Awareness Day

2005-02-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

How could I let this occasion pass without some kind of homage to old Saint Valentine..so here it is, the top 10 reasons why I fucking hate Valentines Day.

10. It's impossible for anyone to come up with a completely original date on V-Day so even if you have a BF anything you can do has already been done

9. I am pretty sure that some dude from Hallmark invented it, got a promotion and now sits fat and rich in a pimped out mansion somewhere eating all the chocolates he wants with his big fat wife, laughing at all the pathetic people who helped him swindle millions

8. Men/Woman who feel obligated once a year to show each other how much they love one another...ummm hello, if you only like each other 1 day a year shouldn't you re-evaluate your relationship

7. Fucking CKBW is playing sappy love songs all day, and have been mentioning V-Day since 6 am this morning..jesus there is no escape

6. PITY FLOWERS - As much as I LOVE my parents, its really pathetic that the only bunch of flowers that I get is the one that I get from them EVERY Year. And even sadder is when co-workers enter my office and see the flowers, and get all excited because MAYBE it might have been a boy that sent them. Then I have to squash their joy and break the news that its a "pity bouquet" from my parents. Really just spreading my depression and misery to others!

5. People that have Romantic dinners at Pizza Delight! BARF

4. The poor fucking kid in Elementary school that gets no Valentines ( something like Ralf who only got 1 from Lisa, that said...".you choo-choo choose me" and then finds out later, that it was a pity valentine(much like the one I got from my parents)

3. Eating too much chocolate and going into a sugar coma - cept for those who are allergic, who eat some and die (that's perhaps a little worse) Plus I am on a diet and supposed to be giving up chocolate, so every bite makes me more and more guilty!

2.Any day that makes a point of putting relationships (good or bad) in the spotlight, and making those who are not in one, feel like pathethic lepors has to go

1. I don't have a boyfriend or a potential booty call, so I won't be getting laid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only good thing about this day, is it is centered around PINK which is awesome and always a reason for me to celebrate .

V-Day Sucks!

A Christmakah Miracle

2005-02-10T08:06:00.000-04:00

Ladies and germs......my dream has come true......it's been a Christmakah miracle, without the Christmakah......I WON A TRIP TO THE VEGAS TO SEE SIR ELTON!!!!!! I'm still in a cloud of euphoria...and I feel as though I won't really understand what the hell just happened until I'm touching down on the Strip! The lucky guest that is accompanying me on this Elton-extravaganza is Marcus Thomas Noel. It was a close toss up between the Fark and my Dad.....but in the end I realized I could hold this over Marcus's head for the rest of his life, and that's an opportunity that I just couldn't pass up. Though, here, on this wonderful blog, I am vowing that someday I'm going to take my Dad on a trip....maybe to The Vegas....maybe to the moon...who knows what travel will be like when the time comes where I can afford it. Ok....I just wanted to share the most wonderful moment of my LIFE (not counting the day Marcus actually WANTED me to "officially" be his girlfriend....that was pretty huge too), with all of you super-caga-fraga-listic ladies.
ELTON....I'M COMIN!!!!

Jamie Gets The Gold!!

2005-02-05T10:42:00.000-04:00

I have to give some MAJOR PROPS to my new ‘fav’ person...Jamie Foxx.....I just watched “Ray” (I know, I’m behind) but all I have to say is...Academy, you can just ship the Oscar directly to Jamies house now....saves everyone the hassle of getting dressed up and being polite. HE WAS AMAZING.....my god that boy can ACT!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry Leo...if you’re reading this, which I’m sure you are...I apologise, because you too were great as Hughes, but my man Jamie get this one.....maybe next time Leo.
PS...you’re hot

I'm in Love...Again

2005-02-03T11:45:00.001-04:00

Ok this one is going to be short and sweet.

I am in Love with my Boss....does anyone have a problem with that....No....Good then its settled

J

2005-02-02T21:00:00.000-04:00

So this is my first contribution and I think it is actually more of a rant and it could potentially turn into a running commentary on the bowels of hell, which I call work. Now most days I may not refer to it as "bowels" because i usually enjoy it but today, unfortunately was one such day. For the sake of my job and confidentiality I will not disclose my exact title or place of work, suffice it to say that I am the first line of contact for those members of the pubic who are without gainful employment.

On a daily basis I might be forced to endure the rotting stench of old cigarettes, onion BO (aka smells like old man arm pit), shit breath and the general stink of uncleanliness. Today I actually had the pleasure of smelling what i like to call "sour ass". You may think you dont know what that smells like, and I for one had never really smelled it, at least not on myself or anybody whom I care to associate myself with. But I can assure, its like the smell of dead body, you will instantly recognize it even if you had never smelled it before.

So the day goes something like this....I am working the front desk, .."hi. what can i help you with today" (all while smiling sweetly with the pearly whites and pretending I am actually baring my teeth at them like a rabid dog). In walks two clients (I've suspected before they might be on crack), sh'es pissed because she doesnt qualify for our program, he's pissed because she doesnt qualify for our program. This is where the whole sour ass smell comes in..she looks clean enough.....but you dont know whats lurking underneath that puffy winter coat but I can assure you, it is emanating. So I help the woman and she seems somewhat satisfied. So I think...OK, blow up averted...but nooo, he comes over for one last dig and starts haranguing me that our office made her think she would qualify...well I'd be pretty fucking hard pressed to see who did that because all we do it take and input the information. So I advise him that there are people whose job is to determine if somebody qualifies....this is a very labour intensive job and can take weeks to complete....so he pipes up and says that we should have those people here...which I adivse (for the 2nd time) that they are in a different office and it can take weeks to process....he then says there should be someone here who can look at someones record of employment and say immediately if they qualify or not...now WHAT FUCKING PART OF "IT TAKES WEEKS FINALIZE DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND".

So being the professional I am, I say this is the procedure, if you have a concern please go over there to that computer and fill out the feedback questionnaire...to which he replies..."you guys need help..you really need help in here" in a very condescending tone of voice.....

So please bear with me...in my mind the conversation would actually go like this.......
"OK buddy, why dont you shut your big fat ugly mouth, I gave you the goddam information when you applied and it not my goddam fault that you're too lazy or too stupid to read it, because if you had, you would have seen the part that outlines the criteria and tells that eligibilty is not guaranteed. So why dont you take your puffy ass, feathered side mullet and your stanky girlfriend and learn how to read or better yet..leave me alone and go look for a job!

So to you fellow poop lovers I challenge you to come up with your worst days at work.......venting here is better than going home and kicking the dog...(or your husband...i dont have a dog).

The new road rage....gym rage

2005-02-02T19:59:00.000-04:00

The Fitness Phenom is losing her cool! I don't know if any of you girlies feel this way, but going to the gym is a pain in the ass (or groin, or chest...take your pick) on the best of days. I turned over a new leaf in September to prep up the "bod" for Cuba this coming April. I feel like I have done pretty well however, my patience level is shot......so here's my GYM PET PEEVE list (let me know if you have any to add):

~ Nakedness - now I know we're all girls in the locker room (I think), but I can't help but feel uncomfortable when naked women that you don't know, proceed to converse. I DON"T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK!!!! Or how 'bout when some large ladie's huge neked caboose brushes up against you as she BENDS OVER!!! I feel like there should be a polite etiquette regarding thenakedness such as turning into a corner while pulling your knockers out to prevent taking someone's eye out!!!

~ Lockers - why is it that when it is just you and one other person in the locker room, out of the 300 lockers, the other person picks the one directly beside you?
~ Cardio machines - why is it so hard to get the one that you want??? I always get stuck with the stupid rower or the treadmill with the loose belt....so I keep tripping and everyone laughs at me.

~ Skinny girls - now I know it makes sense that you go to the gym to look better....but I feel like the skinny clan was skinny before they started going there and should just stay home and work on getting fat.

~ Bar Stars - I am the first to admit that on occassion I will match my socks or bandana to my shorts or tank, however, I have issues with the hoochies that wear the belly shirts, put on makeup, DON't WEAR A BRA!!!!, or have perfect ponytails when at the gym. Save it for the Palace bitches.

~ Poor ventilation - Sweaty men have body odor. Why can't there be some sort of system to take that shit away. I am there to work out no exphyxiate(no idea how to spell that) myself!

That's just a few ladies. I feel much better now.

Adventures in Hali......

2005-01-31T08:16:00.000-04:00

I would like to give a big shout out to the trio of fabulous roomies that put up with me all weekend. Ladies…. I had a great time, and was in mega need of a few girls’ nights. Despite the fact that Rockabella snores like a buzz saw, and my new friend “Napoleon” AKA Duff is a bigger farter then my little brother !!! And to Bob Dylan who gave me a giggle just seeing you with the guitar strapped to your back. Thanks for a calorie fest that I will never forget, mostly because of the 3 pounds of cream cheese that resides in that little pocket above my ass. But it was ALL worth it, and I WILL be back!

Many years from now I will remember fondly our wild and wonderful trip deep deep into the woods of Dartmouth, past Sobeys and a quick left up the hill to visit our new friend Lois. The chain smoking, finger nail picking, soon to cough up a lung Psychic from the bowels of Cape Breton....

Thanks Lois for letting me know that I will once again be moving back to our fair capital to meet the love of my life get married and have 2 wonderful boys. But Sidebar to Mr. Right…may I ask where the FUCK you were the first goddam time I lived there, could you not have surfaced then…what, was your white horse in the shop or something. However, I am very happy to know that my long distance “Joe Friday” will not be heart broken when I move away, but will be the source of many a booty call and casual pick up. SWEET!!! Happy to hear that my mom is a cat with 9 lives, and that my little brother will soon be asking me to loan him some money …However, good luck with that little brother. You might as well as VISA, because that’s who gives me all of mine… Thanks for letting me know that I don’t get out enough, and that I need to dance with more freaks and assholes because it’s just for fun right!!! Glad to know that there is lots of wedding chatter around me, and that someone is going to get knocked up (I pray to the goddess its not me)

But all in all not a bad way to spend 4.5 hours, at least I can get some packing done early.

Thanks Roomies!!!

2005-01-23T23:47:00.000-04:00

ok folks....as you know, we are finding ourselves in the middle of yet another blizzard. this is a picture of my beautiful roommates and i, all dressed up in our ugliest (on purpose) winter gear before we ventured out into the white abyss. we threw some snow balls, climbed on some giant snow piles, walked to a nearby school and played on the swings, went down the slides, laid in the snow until our bums froze.....really good times......and we just might do it all over again tomorrow. but seriously.....it was dangerous out there, all that blowing snow, walking in the middle of the dark, abandoned streets, we really should have been hosting our own adventure show.....

A few of my favorite things....in a storm

2005-01-22T23:08:00.000-04:00

Ok....seeing as how Momma Nature keeps blasting us with snow, I thought I would share with you all a few of my favorite things to do when it's storming outside.....here we go:

1. "IT".....seriously..aytime's a good time....and a week day, in the middle of the day...just that much better

2. eat....i like to think of it as 'preparing for hibernation'

3. baking.......so that i have good stuff to eat (please refer to #2)

4. NOT shower, or dress for that matter.......basically i would probably never shower or get out of my pajammas if i didn't have to leave the house, in a storm...i do not leave there house, so by conclusive reasoning, i also do not clean myself or put on fashionable attire

5. watch RERUNS, or movies......reruns are essential, because during a storm my real life stops...and therefore so should my tv life (NOTE: reruns that I have not seen are acceptable)....and movies are just great at any time....and curled up on my couch in my pajammas at a time when i should be productive makes a movie that much better for me (NOTE: watching a porno movie, in combination with #1 also makes for a good storm day)

6. playing......still being a 6 year old at heart, i love playing in the snow....however, i find it best to play in the snow WHILE the storm is in progress....i like the extra element of danger.....the whole world is at a stand still, but i'm making snowmen (with penis')

7. sleeping in....obviously a big crowd favorite, i hate setting my alarm on a storm day....just seems pointless and can potentially ruin the whole day

So...there you have it people, a few of my favorite storm day activities.....however, now let me tell you what i WILL be doing tomorrow when I wake up to blizzard #3 in 7 days......
1. setting my alarm so i can get up to study
2. shower and get dressed so that i won't be tempted to go to back to bed when i have to study
3. my boyfriend left this evening so i won't be engaging in any #1 activity
4. there will be no snowman making, but rather shoveling into a pile now so high i can no longer see the top
5. avoiding all tv's and dvd's so that i can't make excuses when i know i should be studying
6. curse at how much i hate studying...........

(but as god as my witness....i WILL make chocolate chip cookies!!)

You Heard Me

2005-01-20T14:26:00.001-04:00

Dear J-Dub,

I have a crush on your dad.
There I said it!

*Amy
p.s- he was really shakin it at the wedding

On another note:
Can it stop fuckin snowing please... but school still be cancelled?

Peeves....as in Pet

2005-01-20T11:11:00.000-04:00

Just for the record, I usually try to not focus on the negative so much, however, lately I am feeling spiteful, blame it on moodiness, PMS, the month January..whatever you want....but the fact remains that these things tick me off!!!

How universities feel that they have the right to charge us $10-15 for ONE transcript, when we’ve shed sweat, blood, and tears, not to mention $40,000 to GET those fucking marks.
The way those thigh high stockings with garter free elastic lace tops, make our legs buldge over the top like sausages
Hangnails
People who cut their food with their forks (hello...knife)
Transfer truck drivers who think they are driving a sports car...SLOW DOWN...YOU"RE DRIVING A MASSIVE TRUCK!!
Bike Cops......I mean c’mon, I’m in a car....HOW the fuck do you expect to catch me riding your 10 speed!??
ALL of those symmetrically proportioned, outrageously skinny women we idolise on TV, mags, and movies
People who talk in the movie theatre
Static (in my hair, in my clothes, EVERYWHERE)
The fact that penny candies now cost 25 cents
Rich men who make women sign Prenups
The fact that hair gets greasy at the roots but NEVER on the ends
Supermodels..there is NOTHING super about them
Barf Burps (aka Verps)
The fact that I can spend months working my ASS off at the gym, and I take ONE week off and I’m back to my blubbery self.
Women who get dress up to go to the grocery store. I think PJ”S should be mandatory uniform when shopping for food.
People who only require a few hours of sleep a night, gimme a break, I require a MINIMUM of 10...so shut it...I don’t want to hear that you’re chipper and feeling great after only 4!!

Now this is just a STARTER list, feel free to add, I not only welcome, but encourage more negativity on our friendly “Constipated Females” blog!!!

I have a dream....

2005-01-20T08:13:00.000-04:00

On the rare occasion that I actually remember my dreams, I frequently find it necessary to share them. Especially when they are as fucked-up and random as they were last night. If dreams are the window to the soul, I think I need to shut my blinds.

So picture this..... its Yoga class, a regular Yoga class. Then suddenly its just me and Sean William Scott in Yoga class(for all you teen flick junkies...YES that IS Stiffler) And we are doing some paired up Yoga moves, and we are really fucking good. Then suddenly we are naked and doing some Yoga moves that are really fucking good but ARE definately NOT allowed in your Sat afternoon YMCA Yoga class....as for the rest of the dream all I can say is there was some grease involved, a lot of flexibility, and some shit that I would definately like to try some day.

The sad part about dreams is...I know I am never going to be THAT flexible in real life....LOL What would Freud say about that one????

Yoga Anyone????

I am in love..................

2005-01-18T22:41:00.000-04:00

Yuppers Folks! I am in love....but not with my boyfriend. If the bf saw this blog, he would be truly heart broken so lets keep this between those girls who don't poop. If you believe in love at first sight....then you all would be glad to know that love at first hear is also possible. My mother will be so proud as she has always wanted me to be with a man in an influential position in society........and Martin is that man.
We met this afternoon and at his place of employment....FutureShop. Yes I know it sounds odd....but you single ladies will soon flock there too after reading this. It was immediate. My attraction for Marty began as soon as I heard his voice....yup that's right....he's an Aussie. Not to mention he is a "sales associate" which isn't your everyday cashier. I would have to admit I was nervous that Amy was getting all of the attention from my mate, but she quickly blew her chance by mentioning the bf.....I left that detail out. I could have listened to him all day. So I played it cool. I was a little reserved...I knew Marty-boy was intrigued my my mystery. With his Aussie tongue, cute smile and his juicy caboose....I thought I might jump him right then and there, but I was unsure if the FutureShop was accepting of PDA's. So I took the higher road....and I left with only the butterflies in my belly. But as I left, I checked out those bubbly buns one last time.....and he gave me a wink (I am sure I saw it!!), and walked out the door, knowly full-well that we will see eachother again soon. Any ideas on what I can buy for under $10 at Future Shop tomorrow?

E.F.

2005-01-18T22:37:00.000-04:00

For all of you who may not be familiar with the term EF.... it stands for Embarrassed For. I know that you all must have had it at one time in your life, and tonight I had the pleasure of experiencing it twice in the matter of a half hour. For those who may be unsure as to whether or not they have had the EF's let me break it down for you in two classic examples. I had a class tonight, in which my professor is a prosecutor. Now this man has said on several occasions "Do not tell me your legal problems as I can give you no advice." Disregarding this one girl rose her hand and proceeded to tell him of an incident she recently had. Basically this was the story that never ended and through out it my EF level rose. Basically she was robbed at a club in Niagra falls, the bouncer wouldn't help her, the police left her stranded on the street, the 991 operator even hung up on her. But I did not feel sorry for her...rather i was embarassed for her. My face got red, I started to laugh a little the girl next to me nudged me and said, "wow I feel embarassed for her" the feeling through out the class was evident.
Now it is important to note that EF is not confined to others words, but extends to their actions as well. It is cold here, that means dress warm. I was waiting for the bus after class and a girl came out dressed in a 3/4 length sleved shirt. She had to be cold...people were staringat her, myself included. During my staring I noticed that she had a cast on her wrist...now I could have felt bad for her, but I was over come by the EF's. Should could have found atleast a sweatshirt to go over that! I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was not pleasantI encourage you to write and share any EF moments that you have had.
The moral of the story is, please, when deciding on what to do or what to say take into consideration feelings of others. You don't want people to be embarassed for you, it's even worse than feeling embarassed for your self.

LoneStar Fajitas........

2005-01-18T20:22:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many of you have had the good fortune of visiting Ontario in the last 10 years, but if you have I can assure you that you have heard of - and maybe even tried - the now famous LoneStar Fajitas. I say this because I just got home from a huge feed of them where I probably crammed about 6 of them down my yap while washing them down with the 4 Cokes as well.

Now, while I am well aware of the title of this glorified online Diary that J-Dub has started and I have no documented evidence of the contrary I can only offer this. I am about 85 seconds from SOLID proof(hopefully) that guys in fact do Poop..............

239 seconds later..........

Nope! - not a solid one this time, good thing the wife picked up the 2-ply this week.

Well I had better get back to within the necessary 15 foot radius in case of any unscheduled aftershock.

Talk you ya later,

First Time

2005-01-18T14:33:00.000-04:00

This is my first blog experience, I'm scared so please go slow and be gentle!
The idea of people coming to sling their shit is fun and appeals to me, cuz I have some shit, let it fly.
This whole notion of girls not pooping is crazy, let's accept the fact that we all poop and move on...enough said.

Tucker Max

2005-01-18T13:16:00.000-04:00

Ok at the risk of becoming one of those people that posts to a blog 15 times in one day, I just have one final thought...scratch that, its a thank you, shout out and heavy proops .

I would just like to thank my good friend Gangle for the most enjoyable 1/2 hour lunch break of my life ( all you perves, get your freaking minds out of the gutter) I just spent the 1/2 hour laughing my ass off, becoming dizzy from laughing and almost falling off my chair ...the source of this Hilarity is posted in the Links section....please go to Tuckermax.com and laugh on suckas

YA YA

Hey Cheesy Line guy......

2005-01-18T13:14:00.000-04:00

Ok kiddies, come one come all.
After the events of this weekend past, I have been inspired to ask all ladies and germs(and I use that term ever so affectionately) to describe the cheesiest pick up lines that you have ever used heard etc. Not ones from TV now..no cheating, but ones that you have first hand knowledge of... extra points if they actually worked.

Oh yeah and to all you singletons out there, a word of advice.....even if the line sucks, if the guy is HOT, just do it anyway.....regrets suck!! YA YA

So here is my contribution...... "you've just got that look"

Evening.

2005-01-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

Just thought I'd write a quick post on what is now the third blog I am contributing to...my heart belongs to the Fem Tube but I don't mind putting my two-cents in to this site now and then...I will, however, soon have to give this site a nickname because I hate the word poop...because seriously, girls don't poop...not ever.

2005-01-17T19:18:00.000-04:00

this is pretty rockabella.....besides wanting to share my beauty with the world, i basically just want to know if i know how to post a picture on here

First Rant

2005-01-17T17:38:00.000-04:00

So most of the Blogs that I have read include some sort of segment on the peeps and a random collection of thoughts etc…so here is mine

I LOVE movies; good, bad, ugly and everything in between

I once puked in a cup

I once had sex in a sea Kayak (which is unfortunately my greatest sexual adventure)

I have actually seen 50,000 strong with their hands in the air, booty shakin’ like HELL YA

I can’t spell.

It’s ok to listen to Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Ashlee Simpson at the gym, cause you are not really “listening” to the music…..RIGHT????

I have never been in love…but truly believe in Love at First Sight

I get crushes on men that are polar opposites…rock stars, teachers, players, innocent churchgoers, and good friends, they all end in disaster…Crushes SUCK

I once drove 6 hours in a white out snow storm, to go to a new years party….AND IT SUCKED

Every time I watch the “Might Ducks”, I cry

I truly have a Best Friend, she knows all my dirty little secrets, insecurities, and ridiculous rants, and still loves me. We share the same name, and a connection that makes me believe in soul mates

I have spent more time surfing the Internet at work (on tax payers dollars) then I care to remember

I met DJ Jazzy Jeff, and he was nice

A friend once told me that I was the most genuine person he’d ever met/ In high school I was called into the principals’ office for being a phony bitch! So I do believe in evolution

I am both highly critical and equally delusional about myself

I love every meaning, inflection, use, and sound of the word FUCK

I feel trapped between being a kid and a grown up

I think the book “he’s just not that in to you” brought me to a place of enlightenment, although cheesy and obvious…its fucking all true

I don’t like it when musicians critisize each other…one man’s garbage is another’s treasure

Supermodels and Jennifer Garner should be outlawed, and made to eat massive amounts of Big Mac’s

I think Ron Maclean is kinda Hot

I hate people who talk too much about themselves……………………..

Welcome to "Girls Don't Poop"

2005-01-17T17:28:00.000-04:00

Welcome everyone to "Girls Don't Poop"....a place where women everywhere can come to shit on events and people in their lives.